warmlove's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sadness, Ageism and Cymru * If I was richer/ I'd still be with ya* Yesterday I was sure that my life was crumbling around my ears. If you were to break it down and look at the individual bits of shitness that I find myself you would probably shrug and go "Get over it, you haven't suffered the death of a loved one or got a terminal illness or been made homeless with a heroin addiction." Yup, you would, but over the past month or so I've felt a bit hopeless and that my life, which was getting pretty good is starting to rot away..So dramatic, I know I came home for a rare weekend and had to sit through a really horrible discussion between one of my sisters and my Mum and the fact that my other sister has developed an eating disorder. Also my Dad has really changed. He seems so disconnected from everyone and made two horrible comments that I dismissed as being ironic or irreverent (thanks to the person that taught me the meaning of that word, on a date strangely enough) but perhaps they were a glimpse into how he really feels. Good side: I met my Mum's two new foster children. My foster brothers I suppose! They are 8 and 6 and really lovely boys. Though because my Mum is very strict with them because she has to give them order and routine after the severe neglect they've endured. I have never felt less like an adult than when hanging out with kids that age. My Mum is all sensible and disciplinarian (like I remember her being when I was very young. I remember being scared of her and totally deflated by any dismissive, negative comments she made. These comments might have been once in a blue moon in reality and she might have only smacked me once in a blue moon but when your a kid these things really do affect you in a dramatic way.) I just remember how annoying and confusing it was to be 8 years old so when I'm with them I just want to treat them like equals and muck around with them. Therefore I do not want to have my own kids and I do not think there is any thing wrong with this. I am 25, going on 26 and I don't want to have a child now or in the near future. My Mum said that she would choose just having us, her children over having just my Dad, the love of her life. I'm the opposite. But going home to all this, ironically, made me feel a lot more optimistic. Despite nursing an extreme, paranoid hangover on the sunday courtesy of Sophie's Cymru birthday, I came back to London not worrying about the crumbling of my life. It aint so bad, I wont let it take me over, there's always a better way, a change to come... Speaking of which (or not so much), last week I had a horrendous acting class where I was in the scene, in my opinion, shit and wooden and then I had an under prepared monologue that fell a little flat. That pissed me off and I was in a gloomy place..work shit, not having a home shit, noone writing hit pop songs about how I'm amazing just they way I am when I smile (erm, I totally havent been listening to Capital FM every day and found myself secretly getting well into X Factor..my guilty little Goldhawk Road secret) and someone who I like very, very much got some awful news and that got me thinking and I really, really feel for them. So I get really teary at the end of class sat in the back row watching the last scene. Our teacher looks over and spots me wiping tears away from my eyes (usually I end up crying with laughter during class). He asks if I'm okay.. I slip out to the loo at the end and Brede catches me coming out with tell-tale red eyes and running mascara. I try to explain why I'm so upset but I cant. It all seems so trivial. She asks if its about you-know-who from class. Are we okay? I hope she didn't say anything cos as we walk to the pub the boy is all nice to me and chatty chatty but I cant really do the banter cos I still feel a little out of it and embarrassed that people saw that I'd been crying. Anyway, I waffle. So I drown me little sorrows in 3 Brewers House White. Unfortunately it is quiz night but I grin and bear it. This Dublin actor guy who's friends with Nathan and Brede was there. He has the most sexy voice and is pretty witty and funny. He is a good bit older than me..I'd say 10 to 15 years older. I might have been rather flirtatious and I end up in the basement bar with him and actor Leslie, a random thing to do and I end up going on about how I might bump into the guy I met when I was last there but how its pathetic that I still talk about him...to be fair he was the last person to ask me out..March that was, how DEPRESSING is that? Anyway Irish actor guy insists on walking me to my night bus stop. I get the feeling that were dragging out the walk, I even don't get on a bus that arrives cos it will give me an extra 4 minutes walk. I'm sure I inadvertently send out all kind of signals, so much so that come Friday, guess who bounds into my department at work but actor guy...I just think he's being friendly but when he comes back after searching for 'jeans for boys' (BUT YOUR NOT A BOY, YOU'RE A FULLY-GROWN BIG, MATURE MAN! I LOOK LIKE A CHILD NEXT TO YOU!) I want to scream, erm, but I don't, he gets a bit shy looking and awkward as says that he was going to Facebook me and ask me for my number cos he couldn't ask me at my work, now. I'm slightly suprised but hide it with a jokey comment about that being 'the height of unprofessionalism' that I'm not quite sure he realised was sarcastic. Any hoo, he added me as a friend, maybe I shouldn't be so ageist...he does seem to have a great personality but I don't find him attractive though it is quite enjoyable to flirt with him. God, that's like being a tease. Not good. I just need someone in between young guy from class and the Dubliner demographic-wise. 'Beggars (last 'date' 8 months ago) can't be choosers (expect 'perfection')'. 'Sell while you can, you're not for all markets'..and many other cliches. 12:27 p.m. - 2010-11-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||