warmlove's Diaryland Diary

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I'm a hot mess

*uhoh*

Always, always, always get PROPER down, down, low the day after my birthday. Not just cos my overlly optimistic hopes of everyone of my friends who I love and like very dearly turning up and getting on like a burning maisonette always prove unfounded. Though I do have fun nonetheless ...usually ending the evening with Steve Old Housemate, a friend and some friend of friend randoms. I need to not care if I have such fragmented friends and pockets of friends..(my Tory government..everyone dance like Rihanna speech to a packed pub I will forever cringe inwardly at!) I just CRINGE when I think it looks like I think I'm way closer friends with people than I actually am or that I have very few friends who care enough about me to show up to my birthday. Why do I care so much what my friends think of me?? It just seems like everyone else has this big pool of friends who they can always count on to be there but I get last-minute flakiness?

Anyway, I will do something very rare and be brief:

- Terrified now I realise I am 26, an adult and THIS IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.

- I am really over thinking a little fling that has occurred between me and an older guy (haha, how Jackie Collins).

- I'm scared I'm gonna end up alone cos I'm too particular about members of the opposite sex.

- A good friend told me that its better to go for a guy who you're not that crazy about (almost indifferent but you like them on some level) but who likes you. Those Relationships last. NO! Why! It might be true and that makes me want to CRY!

- I can't be bothered to keep living my life with such energy and enthusiasm anymore. I just want to give up and hide, curled up in a ball forever.

- I don't want to be 30 and settled down, married with kids.

- I want to love someone and for them to feel the same back.

- I almost 'love' someone a friend I REALLY shouldn't. It must just be strong 'like' and that's okay, even if it isn't reciprocated!

- I wish I could say something cute and funny but I'm just picking apart shame and regret in my head!

- Maybe I neeed that long-awaited (5 years!) holiday!? I am possibly insane

- I'm not paying for that FUCKING Wedding...41.5 million plus undisclosed security and travel funding is bad enough.

x

11:22 p.m. - 2010-11-23

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