warmlove's Diaryland Diary


One Subject Rant plus April 12th 2021: 'Ghastly Man' pisses into my Cycle Helmet

# "If I gotsta bring it to you cowards then it's gonna be quick, aight/
All your mens up in the jail before, suck my dick#

Why are friendships not valued on a par with romantic relationships? I spoke to my Mum on the phone last night. 9/10 I reach out, I phone her...at that is okay for now (it's always been like this to be honest) because she is going through, as she put it, the most difficult period of depression, sadness and despair.
I had to find some "nice holiday snaps" to send to art department of the film I'm doing in May so they can photo shop me together with the actor playing my character's wife. Didn't really have any on my phone so I texted around mates to get them to send some "nice" pics of me. Phoebe sent an array of completely useless photos, Georgia said she'd have a rummage from our trip and Jack sent me a couple of pics from the Pride before he went to Australia and covered in glitter, I look SO happy...his natural evervessence must be contagious! I put that pic as a WhatApp puc as I have done with many a friend over the years, of all genders.

So, like a pre-teen my Auntie Celia, asked who the "man is in your picture...is that a special friend". My blood temp rose to about 56 degrees centigrade, but not due of any spherical flu particles, but I took a breath. I explained that there was no need to use the euphemism "special friend" because I am a 36 year old adult...boyfriend is fine AND I would never use the term "special friend" AND I have many friends who are male, its basic as fuck to assume they must be my boyfriend(s), it's a brand new, sparkling post When-Harry-met-Sally existence over here AND I'm not the one to pop a cheesy photo up of me and a new (or old or current) boyfriend AND Its a problem when they call my sisters girlfriend a "special friend", your bordering on some homophobic othering there AND this is my friend Jack who I'm moving in with in a few months. Then Celia tells me my Mum saw the pic and wondered who it was.

Back to my phone call to my Mum, as I popped up on her phone, she announced to them "Ooh, I can ask her about this new man" but my sisters hastily warned her not to. My Mum spoke to me about how she was doing and her plans for the future, she sounded good (she has had a horrendous relapse into her eating disorder that I can see her doing everything to divert us from). But she came out with all this stuff about fucking MONEY. She is adamant that her sister, my auntie June is keeping her this money my Dad gave her to keep safe from my Mum spending it. But because of her memory issues, I dont think she remembers this was resolved. Long story short I expressed to her how sad and disgusting it is that it all comes down to money...she heard the words but wasn't listening she was hell bent on making someone the villain. I will be next, absolutely. I know she isnt well but I have to call her out on her bullshit when it occurs.

After about half an hour non stop of her talking about herself..I'm happy to listen BUT it is such a slap in the face when she says "how are you, you never talk about how you are" I was very pissed off and told her very clearly "Mum! You dont let me talk! You just talk about yourself"...she seemed a bit offended so I said what I'd been doing and how I felt about it....I could feel her disinterest emanating down the phone line..didn't ask me any questions and the conversation quickly turned back to her.

Then to find out she was gossiping about who I might be seeing...THERE IS A FUCKING KILLER DISEASE THAT HAS TAKEN OVER THE WHOLE WORLD ...i coukdnt meet someone to be my boyfriend AND it would be very irresponsible to be getting close to someone outside my household!!!! Ugh! I think I am just over sensitive to people speculating about my love or sex or love and sex life BEHIND MY FUCKING BACK.
There is no care for the great friendships I've forged over the past 10 years, the life in a whole new region of the country on my own, the adventures I've had, the hard-earned acting jobs I've managed to get after many,many,many years and moments of rejection , trying to produce my own TV show . She shows no interest but a man, a boyfriend who could be a complete ardehole and wrong for me WOW LETS GOSSIP LIKE WERE IN THE SCHOOL YARD.

It might be a bit of a leap, but it feels like women (I can't speak for men and NB) you are not valued (at all ages) unless you have a long term romantic partner and it is just a bollocks when it comes from other women who have experienced an abusive partner, divorce and loss through death. I have a sense of humour but I really have a chip on my shoulder about people not accepting that you DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A PARTNER and HAVING SAID PARTNER is not the only way to be happy or fulfilled.
My sisters claim (a truck of salt I'm backing up) that all my Mum wants is us to all get married and have kids...well, my sister Vick and her boyfriend are trying to have a baby...that will be more than my Dad ever got in terms of grandkids. Plus she slags off my cousins who have a couple of kids with their girlfriends so I will always be aware that my lifestyle will come under behind my back scrutiny ...BUT "What other people think of you is.....YES GOLD STAR...none of your business"

That said they prob want to live vicariously through me BUT 2020-2021 ain't the time, bitches! Plus, me and Jack are friends (I didn t even mention him being gay cos that is beyond irrelevant).
I tried to speak to my Mum about this today but she didn't return my call or text. If she really cares how I am and feels clueless then this is a big part of who I am, expressing these feelings. They are lucky Sara is not there daughter/niece....they would get OBLITERATED....I wanna be in the middle ...sometimes I think Sara under reacts, sometimes I think I underreact. But one of my trusty go-to ways to deal with this is that I've been putting up a new photo of me with a different guy every week!!!! Even put my head on Nancy Spungen's boday with my boyfriend Sid in the background.

In other news pub gardens reopened today. Met John for 2 pints. Left the pub,off Deansgate and the security guard ran over to stop me from unlocking my bike and showed me a photo he look of a man HAVING A FUCKING PISS INTO MY CYCLE HELMET THAT WAS LOCKED TO MY BIKE

12:03 a.m. - 2021-04-13


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