warmlove's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THIS AINT MUCH ENTERTAIN'
I have decided that I can't really trust anybody and that not many people care that much about me. Disappointment reminds me of this nasty Thierry Mugler-Womanity-style perfume. That is not me being over-the-top, it's just true. Optimism from other people that I take on board always ends in (my) disappointment. Camise proclaiming that I would get this great paying job at her work at that we'd all be in St Lucia at Carnival right now didn't pan out..though I believed her optimism, only to be let down. Same with that bloke she was trying to set me up with..obviously I didn't expect anything to come of that, but her optimism that he would be interested despite the obviousness that he was not and then her announcing that in fact she might be interested in him for herself was ridiculous! (Never trust girls who try to set you up with this so-called amazing man with such enthusiasm..suspicious). Brie announcing that all my problems would be solved cos I could move into her super-cheap Stratford house...as expected she just text me to say that it had been given away to someones girlfriends brother...MORE small disappointment to add to a cluster of recent ones. (I don't know HOW I'm gonna gear myself up for looking for houses again. It. Is. so. time-consuming and...full of...yup...disappointment. People like Cordelia, Jenny and Sparkles, Kat, Mena and my sisters' ridiculously positive expectation and subsequent disappointment on me getting into Drama Schools..me being a bit of a loser for not getting into any despite coming quite close. Heather (So lovely to see her in Cardiff after almost a year, love how she's kinda living life like me..thinking about getting a retail job when her Phd thing stops paying out! Yes!!! Another 25 year old in bottom rung retail!!!Love it! I am NOT the only one!) was so shocked that I have been out with a guy(s) for 2 dates and that's it! That's disappointment, (when they've been 2 great ones in my opinion), but I'm used to and expect that...most girls get more dates before rejection or relationship. I don't feel like I have really low self-esteem from this stuff. I know that I'm pretty great and also non-troll looking, but it's like I'm this very well kept secret to certain members of the opposite sex. Though not so well kept from the irritating 16 year-old South London boys who seem to wanna talk crap in my ear on the bus. Acting, however, is FULL of disappointment, I need to accept that but today's audition was EMBARRASSING. In the end I had the Director and the stills photographer telling me that I needed to 'smile with my eyes' and what to imagine so that I would look right in the photo. I'm an ACTOR, I should be able to do that on my own, that's the job. My eyes had to be more open they said. Do you know how difficult it is to show more eyeball, smile with them, smile with the rest of my face WITHOUT looking retarded? And, the Director wants me to email him my Acting CV...sending him a blank sheet of A4 would be slightly more impressive! I think my face is just weird, people seem to like to tell me to smile when I am perfectly fine (I hate it! FUCKTHEM and their fucking smiley, brain-dead lives). I don't photograph well, not good for an actor, but I think it takes a little practice. Yargh! Why does everyone else at these things seem so cool, in control and so positive and good-natured? Makes me a bit sick sometimes..why can't some of them be a bit more sarcastic and negative about the whole thing..like me? My sister went five days without eating. She's got `a big problem I think, an idiot doctor just put her on prosac after a few tick-box questions and BAM(!) mind-altering drugs for god-knows how long. So sad, terrifying what they, combined with her existing depression, what those drugs have done to my other sister. Wanky as this sounds, I read a book my sister recommended to me called 'Generation X', it was a little up-its-own-arse in parts but the message from it was pretty cool...A bunch of late-20 year olds are sick of the rat-race 9-5 meaningless Graduate job rut they find themselves in, so they decide to just quit these jobs, move to a weeny desert town and enjoy the simple things in life. They work shitty bar jobs, hang-out, get high and go on endless desert road-trips, telling each other these entertaining stories. But it did remind me of something me and Heather were talking about at the microbrewery(!), Happiness cannot be about getting to a goal at the end of the role and believing that you'll finally be 100% happy when you reach that goal. Your life is what's happening right NOW. You need to be happy in the moment, in the present and not reckon that you will only reach that point when certain boxes have been finally ticked. I never really thought about it in that way before! I guess It's been a heavy week so far. That's probably why I'm lying in a bed drinking strong red wine out of a chipped ceramic mug and listening to great depressing music like Bob Marley an The Wailers ' Waiting in Vain' and Bruce Springsteen 'Dancing in the Dark'. 1:22 a.m. - 2010-09-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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