warmlove's Diaryland
Diary
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They're just not (that) into you said Frank SiNAZI
You know how you know your optimism and excitement for something will inevitably add to the blow of the disappointment when that something isn't quite THAT good!Or is perhaps It's just that different than you expected it would be!!?? Erm, yes that does make much sense, much, muchly sense. To me anyway. To be honest I had a wonderful weekend out on Friday at my housemates'suprise 26th birthday and Andrew's 26th Birthday on Saturday.After many weeks of struggling to afford to pay my bills, my fines, travel to work an food I thought that for my sanity I needed a weekend like the old days..out Big-style on Friday AND Saturday, having a fantastic time, forget me worries under a semi-smashed haze boogying away like a loon,having 'a gay ole time' with some lovely people and see Matt and Andy's faces when I gave them the beautiful, hand-crafted birthday cards complete with poster paintey bits, glitter, sequins,felt love hearts naked pictures of Clooney and Beckham and clothed ones of Beyonce and the Obama's (trust me, they were cute, stunning pieces of art!) All those things happened. But a damp-ner was put on it by band boy being his usual aloof self. But when we do get to talking, Its fine, we get on, like when we first met and bonded over stupid stuff. I always knew he is a pretty narcissistic, arrogant type and that I always thought he hated me. But on Friday it was like I had to go and talk to him, make the effort and that's not fair and rude on his part regardless of the fact that he was in a quiet, stressed mood. I know that what happened between us was just a one time, (two time) thing (despite what he said). I suppose, though, from his point of view i was ignoring him. Especially when he went to leave (The Castle pub...grrr! A particulary irritating place that I have NEVER had a good night in..evil Shadwell!) and he was like 'bye Steve', and said bye to me and I just turned round slightly, not making eye contact and said, in a deliciously dissmissive, casual manner "Oh, yeh, Bye" and turned straight back to my beloved Steve (hahah). I could definately sense, with help from my psychic third eye that peeped out from under my wilting curls, that he glanced back expecting me to glance back as he left and for there to be meaningful eye contact! Whatever..I dont care as much as the past paragraph would lead a rational person to beieve.
Anyway, also there was housemates uni friend,Sam who is best friend to Fire-Twiddler, long-lost Fire-Twiddler. Anyway, I mentioned to him my embarrassment over what happened (embarrassment to cover up saying sadness and appearing as the crazy, mawkish girl I am) and he said that he had never really known Twiddler to have a girlfriend, that he was always in love with a girl who had the exact name a girl a guy in a Jack Black would have always been obsessed with in High School but never plucked up the courage to say how he felt! (Polly or Daisy or something cute and quirky). Right I can relate to that, meeting someone knew but still being well into someone else so whatever you do you wont ever care about that new person more or at all. And also, Sam , half jokingly said that he always thought Twiddler was gay, that he was sure he had had a thing with a man once! Wow. That's alot. Coming back to the whole things not living upto your optimistic idea, I thought that I'd see Sam at Matt's bday thing and I'd talk to him a bout Twiddler and he'd say that Twiddler felt terrible about what had happened and that he regretted being weird with me...But my realism knew that obviously he never particularly liked me and nothing would ever happen now anyway, plus it was ages ago. But no, it was worse..he's a little messed up, in love with a girl and possibly gay!!! Hahahahh. Anyway, Sam obviously was all 'You looooooooooooooove hiiiim' which I of course denied because it makes me look INSANE! But later that night he gave me a scrap of paper on which he had scribbled: 'you are beautiful, we should be lovers'. Which was very sweet/funny, and I assumed that it wasn't a serious invitation to loverdom with him.
So, that was my fun, chilled Friday night...with two counts of indirect/delayed/further detailed rejection as a bit o' seasoning on the top! from the fling and the potential serious thing! "What doesn't kill you makes you a better actress". Though Whoopi Goldberg (my idol and indirect spiritual Guru in Lieu of my Mum who is the posh, British version of her) disagrees with that! Erm, not that It was that painful to me, i just like that quote! Saturday, I had work at 12pm so after the mega Bow-afterparty to Matts bday I flopped into bed at 5.30am and was up at 9am to try and get un-hungovered for work. Yuk. It reminded me of those awful Debenhams days where I worked EVERY single God Damn Friday, Saturday and Sunday for 7 months and working through the disgusting, bad-haired hungover haze every now and again was inevitable! Wasn't TOO bad though, lovely Oahn and AJ were working and I only had to survive 4 hours. Got home and Sam, Tash Matt and Steve were all sat around in the sticky-floored, trashed house when I got back...My sisters all dropped round too which was nice..(Steve is really lovely to anyone he's never met when he's not completely mullered so it didnt feel kinda uncomfortable when its just Matt there who can be quite shy/rude with strangers)I tried to get de-hungover with some lager but I still felt all shakey and anxious...I got all ready, I loved what I was wearing to..I did my hair all big and curley and wore by royal blue silk dress, silver, lurex leggings my big white Kate Nash-ey shoes and my be-jewelled, diamonte skull-covered antique looking gothic choker affair. Anyhoo, Andrew loved his card and the club was a real fun one. I got God-knows what spilt all over me in the mosh-pit where we grooved to this Moroccan-sounding band with a giant double bass. Though the Hitler Cabaret (Frank SiNAZI...Gulp..Though Irony or no irony the Chorus of: 'Kill the Jew, Kill the Jew' fully deserved the gin and tonic that was thrown at his face by an audience member. It was not funny enough to be good in a Borat way and was too 'dark' to not feel evil if you danced to it! And I was weirdly proud of myself that at 2am, instead of going to the afterparty or back to Andys on the otherside of London I looked at the map and remembered my pre-planned nightbus route home, said my goodbyes and I was warm in the pink PJ's having my late-night, homemade pasta snack
in bed by 3.30am rather than being passed out, dehydrated on someones sofa and having to take 3 buses across London the next morning, walk-of-shame-style. That. My friends. Is Progress. (Which was also what someone said to try and justify Frank SiNAZI's set!) Last Drama School audition on Friday. Gulp. I have done literally NO 'rehearsing' of my speeches since January. Shit.I just dont feel that I can bring anything fresher or better to them at this point. The wall has been hit, officially. Shit. x
10:19 p.m. - 2009-02-22
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