warmlove's Diaryland Diary

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Trouble

One Sister took an overdose of a combination of Anti-Anxiety medication used to treat Epilepsy, Codeine and an anti)depressant. We called ambulances from 100 miles apart, she was taken into hospital for the night. She tried to kill herself. The Other took a spontaneous trip to London, destination Soho Square and relapsed alongside comrades from the �6,000 Rehab facility that my Mum asked her Mother to pay for out of her savings. Smoking Heroin fumes off a piece of tin foil. "What's that?" She told us she had asked her friend. I asked her in utter disbelief if that was really what she said. This came from the lips of a girl who gushed for weeks after coming out of this Rehab Facility, how great it would be to write a film script about her time in that place. "It would be 'Orange is the new Black" meets "Six Feet Under" She said and it was like Rehab was a Post-Graduate School for the utterly self-absorbed pretentious of drug addicts - That is who second sister that is to a T.
My Third sister continued to wade around in a sea of sentimentality and delusion. Life is working constantly but never having anything to show for it because of never learning from her mistakes! Or listening to me...someone who has made those mistakes herself and whose advice is actually very valid!
At this time it felt like I just had a quiet 30th birthday and Kept on Cleaning fishtanks and getting paid to be a camp actor on the road.
It feels like Dad is still here but the feeling, the memory of him is like the nausea of a hangover...it sometimes washes over you so strong, and palpable but then it fades and you are left with total numbness and a hollowness that you just cant get your head around.
My Mum does so well to make things nice..but it is hard to hold onto that feeling...there's never enough time when I see her...theres always something else going on and I want her to help me remember Dad better but It will feel too sad, too painful.

Adding to the pain is the day, about a month ago when the boys were taken away. They live at another house now, Social Services decided that they shldnt live there anymore. Everything feels like its just getting stripped-back barer and barer..emptier. Maybe I just need, like Karen someone I love and vice versa to be with me and share the happier times and give me strength and a shoulder to lean on in the occassional moments painful, heart-splitting agony.

More funny stories next time. A year and a half later I just want to simplify what is in my head right now. I just want something tangible of Dad to reach hold of..it feels like hes still her and never left but on the other hand its like I never knew him. X

1:34 a.m. - 2014-11-23

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