warmlove's Diaryland Diary

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fucked

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I want to write in my diary so much. There's so much that I would have, in the past, written here but I just haven't. I'm scatd to look back at old entries in case I don't talk about my Dad as my h as I hope...I'm scared that the memories that have just gone from my mind - the time before he got sick. Maybe th time where ai thought he'd always be there so I didn't have that now, vital 'life is fucking short'mentality.
I find myself getting cynical and harsh about things that aren't important in the grand scheme of things..like people fm year at drama school ignoringe fm snapchats photos of a night out, or realusing that I am the only one out of all the girls in the year not in a a relationship. All those different types of girls and I'm the only one not loved or in love. Its not them...its me. These things are so not important but I find myself enjoying disliking annoying, in fair attributes in peoples personalities and hoping that people find a reason to dislike me.

I just want to live a spontaneous, more risky life. I really feel like fuck it I have northing to lose...I should be out there having adventures, drugs and sex and risks. I do feel like I have absolutely NOTHING to lose...noone to answer to. If almost everyone else I know is in these relatio ships that seem so AOL encompass g that I should at least be benefitting from the stuff that they're missing out on. I feel like I need to stay 'single' to prove that theyres nothing wrong or desperate about it!!!! Fucking hell I want to just spfns a week drinkg wine, smoking weed....dancing to sad music, on MDMA...and this isn't purely coming from a sad place that I miss Dad and would do anything to be able to talk to him, to get a train home and step into that kitchen and see him and sit and talk all night with him...to have realised that I would fucking waste years I had with him when we could have been having adventures..him and my mum should be travelling the world now, us and the boys and my sisters going to cool places as one big family...i miss him so much and all I care about in this life is numbing mymental pain by drinking or spending time alone. I just want gapy memories. I can't stand the attitude of people like Becky... So relentlessly. Blindly positive that it becomes selfish and self involved. For fuck sake shit things happen and that change youfor. The worst. But there are people who are fake and not worth your time so she can't acted shocked when I criticise and don't want to spend time with those people. Acting. Who cares? Its bullshit we all know that if I get them jobs or not it doesn't make the blind bit of difference.I am not magically better after time, watching my Dad die is not something u get over the pain is still with me, but the pain he went through was real pain, mine is just in my head. Fuck the organic, vegan, natural life style her an Paddy have and aspire too...we could all be fucking deadr tmrw and a fat lot of good that would have done if

1:22 a.m. - 2015-03-22

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