warmlove's Diaryland Diary

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Wish I had Jungle Fever

*People say we're monkeying around* Yaaaarrrghh!! Why can't I for the life of me do a convincing 'Black' Urban American accent! (Mother)Fuck(ers)! I could be the only thing standing in the way of me getting a truly fantastic and potentially career-kickstarting role in this play. For the past few days I have totally emmerged myself in You Tube of Queen Latifah, Spike Lee Films, The Wire, Jennifer Hudson, the Chicago 'Blackcent'and the magnificent Monique. Went to class today (well, on our teacher's advice I snuck in without paying cos I have not a penny left in my overdraft and I spent the last chuck of money on the credit card (I cut it up but have realised I can still buy things online with it) I used to buy foundation that I desperately need..more than food I have discovered! I knew that I had to do these monologues (ba-ad American accent and all)for the class but I was terrified cos I knew that the accent sounded shit and that it would be even worse under the pressure of performance..especially in front of one genuinely american class member and another who did a speech in a fairly good american accent right before me. I've never been so terrified and It was all because I didn't want my class mates to think I was shit. Who cares really, they can and might have already made up their minds as to if they think Im good or not and it is not them who are potentially casting me. Though its probably more my fear of myself being shit and in turn never being good enough let alone brilliant and that realisation coming from other people's reactions in class. I can see how acting takes over your whole life...I have spent 48 straight thinking about these speeeches, this character and then doing 2 classes and being on public transport, walking down the street doing my speeches under my breath. You'd hope you'd be able to master an accent and nail some speeches after that time...
Also, the lovely people at Orange, for the first time ever (I must have it an all time low in poverty-land) have cut me off, so since Saturday I havent been able to call or text anyone. The sad thing is, noone's noticed. I have recieved only 2 texts since then and I missed an exciting birthday outing cos I had no way to text them when they hadn't bothered to contact me with the details..I just go a text from his girlfriend demanding 'Where are u?') later that evening. I reckon people so expect me to just always turn-up, old reliable, like clock-work so they make no effort and I'm always the one initiating contact. That is fucked-up..I should be more like Rosie..more sketchy and aloof so people appreciate you more when you do actually show up.
Oh, and at the start of Sunday's session we did a thing of 'assumptions' where we sat opposite another class member we hadn't met before and each wrote down some assumptions about the person sat opposite us. The lady I was with I correctly assumed to be late 50's, not English, with a lovely house with attractive nice things in it, quite arty etc. She guessed that I was mixed race Afro Carribean..( actually that would incorrectly mean I was half black and half native Carribean Indian, most of which were killed off by the Spanish and diseases hundreds of years ago F.Y.I) I suppose she meant a black Caribbean parent and obviously a white one but they aren't worthy of detail cos they didn't stick around! hehe..she didn't actually SAY that She assumed that I grew up in South London, very much a Londoner (false...what a stereotype..she couldn't gone West London just to mix it up a little..were not all Brixton rudegals ya kno!I LOVED shocking her with my many years in the country) that I was into fashion (true I guess, yep in a non designer label bags and shoes kinda way) and that I didn't have a lot of money but I still always managed to look okay...as she eyed my black laddered tights. Also that I wasn't ever capable of looking sleek! (harsh!). Also, I am single! (ow, never assume a woman isn't loved, even if she isn't) Later I found out that she thought I was late 20's, early 30's! That HURT! Mainly cos I always have people genuinely amazed that I am 26 and not 20/21. Bitch got me where it hurt..I'm a poor, non-sleek, single 32 year old woman...ow!That would be horrendous..though it is looking increasingly more likely. Apparently its because I seem pretty together..ugh! I am youthful and a mess thank you very much..
Got chatted up at work by a strange man who first asked me what perfume I would suggest to get women flocking to him and to be all over him! Ew. He wanted to know what would make me do it. I was playing along with his 'joke' but I always want to say that I don't go for men who smell better than I do..I don't have perfumes, I can barely keep stocked-up in 99p deodrant. He then told me, after I jokingly said that I dont need a fragrance to attract men, I've got a few options including some in case it doesn't work out with one or two of them (hohoho), that I couldn't trust my (fictional) boyfriend and that I should give him my number. 'I'm not going to cheat on my boyfriend who I love with you' I said, not beating around the bush. He said that we could be friends instead and that he was a studier of human behaviour and he knew that I could trust noone. How fucking rude I realize now, in retrospect and I should have said 'excuse me, you are crossing the line and being bloody rude. I am at work, this is not a bar for picking-up women I have enough options in my life when it comes to men and I do not find you attractive so I do not want to give you my number. Good day to you sir!' I'll know for next time. The next guy was some dude called Silky who did club promo events in clubs in Mayfair.He was the second club promo guy who had spoken to me that day..it must have been the almost cerise Bobbi Brown lipstick I was trying that day...i said that I don't go out there..I'm not into those poser-ish places. He was proper cheese though: 'This isn't even a chat-up..can I just say that you are stunning' Cringe. Actually, after he left Ben who I was working with (he is very attractive actually and a massive flirt but I think he would be cast as my brother on Hollyoaks or something), told me that this Silky had been on the last series of Take me out! I remember him on it!!!!! hahah, very funny..only a contestant from that show would be as cheesy as to offer you dodgy west end club nights and be so gushing to a shop worker at 3pm, sober in a department store. If only he'd been gorgeous or into house parties.

I can't believe how supremely shit this year is slowly becoming...I hate my life, it's shit at the moment but I don't know what power I have to change it. I'm panicking again. Maybe I just need a break but I dunno how I'd pay for that. If only I could just step out of the rat race for just a second . The pressure's about to hit the explosion point, I can feel it. I need something to look forward to or some enjoyment in my day to day life...
x

11:52 p.m. - 2011-02-28

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