warmlove's Diaryland Diary


More Balmy Goodness soon to come

# You're like my yo-yo/ That glowed in the dark#

Today was a little sparkly gem of a year ago-regular-life-ness. The icy cold wind and frost had melted away over night and a bright, calm, mild day emerged.

I've been having such vivid dreams recently. So. Real. Probably because I dpnt feel tired til about 4/5am (there is a bountiful selection of YouTube and All4 goodies on offer to delight these Lockdown eyes) so when I do fall asleep, it is light, and consistently disturbed by my housemates loudly chatting about stuff that I am a decade past being that invested in. So I remember these dreams.
The most vivid moment was the night before last where, in my dream, I stepped into a sunny courtyard and at a picnic table my Dad was sat. The sun illuminated him a little bit like a full body halo....but he wasnt some other worldly apparition. It was him. Healthy, happy and relaxed. It felt so normal and more REAL than real life. He smiled and stood up to greet me. I said out loud "no way, this can't be." But it was...he looked so calm and at ease that I KNEW I wasn't dreaming...it was him...by some pure miracle he was back. I dont think I managed to get round the picnic table in time to hug him. I woke up. It was 10.17am I think. Tears filled my eyes and said, out loud: "fuck...it wasn't real" or something like that.

I had a long conversation with Celia the other day, was so lovely....we spoke about all the good stuff: capitalism, cocaine production, fast fashion, vegan hypocrisy, vaccines and general weather, what's for tea and how we both wish we could chat to Dad, our biochemist about all this 'hot 2019 coronavirus' stuff... what would he be thinking now. I love Celia to bits...I want to be like her when I grow up! I wish we all could do more fun shit with her...all of us...it seems all the drama and conflict overshadows the great humour and warmth the our family members have and want to share. I remember saying to Dad...weve got to go see people...lifes to short to be flaky...I have felt that strongly for about the past 15 years and my biggest regrets are when I didnt live by that, I didnt seize the moment.....I cant think about it too much in regards to Dad...cos I get too sad. I dont have that many of those regrets tho.

Today, after not falling asleep until 6am...I lounged in bed watching them pesky vids til almost 2pm (maybe I'm scared to sleep and dream..I dont know). But I could, though my teeny 40cm wide white collar jail cell window, feel something optimistic and balmy! Hehe...all we got is sex and weather?...Is than an expression? Maybe not. I walked to Chorlton to by some of that cooking coconut butter that's pricey but I love using it on my hair and body cos it actually smells of those co co nuts. I had a recall for a fun and great paying Durex advert on Friday but it was Monday 2pm and I hadn't heard anything so I knew I hadnt got it. The sun on my face felt great... i bought a coupla beers...and met Jim. I'd started joining him on his and Tom's ice dips at Salford Quays in December. Apparently great for you. Short of gigs or clubs, that has become some small excitement for me. Just a feeling of some kind of natural HIGH. We dipped...didn't get numb extremities unlike December so that was 'siiiick'! Cycled back and stopped for a street beer outside shutdown Mary & Archie's. Home and had the last of my beautiful (Malcolm and Marie inspired but boogie-er, gourmet-ier) Mac&Cheese with salad. Had a nice phone chat with Phoebe over in Todmorden who has the vegan toddler sleep cycle to my ADHD Studio 54 bartender.
I've been chipping away at Nefertiti ...1hr writing most days...trying not to make real the fear that I'm not funny or good enough a writer to ever write something brilliant that gets put on television. We won Best British Web Series and the Audience Prize at The PilotLight TV Festival. Funny me and Jim had to rationalise it by saying it must have been a fluke! Any other show clda won..I just shared links with all my friends and so did Jim...I'm not Zoe Kravitz..I don't have THAT many friends. Maybe we won awards cos what we made it decent?
Cant say much more about the lack of life..I am planning to buy a narrowboat to live on in a year, year and a bit!!!!! Positive Make it happen. Manifest a £10,000 advert for me! I miss so much from life 365 days ago plus but big picture, perspective. I will shut the fuck up and be grateful for what I've got.

I feel a bit more optimistic from the day...good people, B&M tinnies and weather thats all I need. X

1:20 a.m. - 2021-02-16


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