warmlove's Diaryland Diary

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Blobs of truth

# I want to be your setting lotion/ hold your hair in deep devotion/as deep as the Pacific ocean#

We made Nefertiti Part Two! Finally! It was a complicated proccess getting everything together but I honestly feel really excited about it. The shoot days ran so well! I would love to be a Writer Producer Actor for my job all the time ! I really loved the organising of all the different elements, finding the tricky location of a working radio station that would let us film on the one Sunday Phoebe could do before she moved to London (I drove the van for her and everything).

It was great working with Jim, think we made a great team...tho despite him saying drunkenly that we were 'kindred spirits', his tactileness, moments of intense eyecontact (easily miscontrued by me) and me having fancied him for more than a year...nothing more. Kinda secretly hoped more but despite Phoebes insitance that you just tell anyone that you like them...my gut tells me that he wasn't interested or he would have taken the opportunities he had plus I think I was pretty honest about how all guys will lose interest in me after three months because theres not enough about me to keep them. I dont even think thats true though, think I was being dramatic. But Nefertiti 2, just the rushes are looking very funny and thats all that matters and I'm cracking on with brainstorming new episodes and writing them (throwing up and then getting down on my hands and knees and picking out the good bits of sweetcorn to paraphrase Lynn Ramsey).

Just got back from a glorious 4-day trip with Phoebe to Marseille. A great city, met some fab people, drank some delicious wine in smaller increments than in UK which is dead more refined I'm told. A gorgeous tan have I, that noone has yet commented on because many a caucasian person doesnt see degrees of brown and beige (except this guy whose best mates with Georgia's boyfriend who I met for the first time but his wife hit his leg cos she worried he was commenting on my natural skin tone as 'a tan'.) Ugh, just treat us the same...skin cooks in the sun! Idiots.

Acting work is picking up...got a second year of the advert which is brill but I still need the bar shifts and I think theyre punishing me for taking time off and I realise that pretty much all my friends in Manchester I met at that place, ive been there four years. Really not right for him (the unkind, passive-aggressive manager) to just ghost me off the rota like that. But I have a mad thought (especially if I get an acting job in the next couple of weeks) that this could be the start of me making most of my money from acting...not impossble.

Had a two Sunday night thing with the ex of an old mate from Drama school (she broke up with him got immediately with a new guy that she seems madly into so I dont think it was a terrible, immoral thing to do) but I could always tell that he liked me. In fact he was way warmer and welcoming to me than she ever was. But it was a strange feeling beacause it felt inimate and nice but afterwards I felt like that was it and I wouldnt want or need it to happen again. Well, twice is fine. I know it can definately be the wrong thing to get with a friend/old friend/ex-friend/associates ex but if I'm honest, Ive had some horrible, intense moments of real loneliness and just wanting some real intimacy and to meet someone who I fall in love with, who falls in love with me while friends have consistemtly fallen into relationships. So I think if an available guy, who was rejected and dumped by someone I know, is interested and we have a bit of a connection, then maybe thats okay, I dont know...and also, semi-related, the pool of available decent men around my age that can be and want to be in a relationship is getting very small. Also, I have a horrible feeling, because I had a magic moment of telling my friend Cal that I fancied one of his old mates who started at work in the restaurant, a couple of months ago and it turned out he had, just before that, totally out of the blue told Cal that he thought I was 'hot' and we managed to get together at the end of a night and met up on some occasions after that, that I have used up my good karma in that department. Honestly, I thought that was a pretty rare thing to happen and it turned out we were both taking advice from Cal about liking each other and he was telling him to go for it. But maybe that can only happen once! A mate of mine acted like it was such a rareity which made me sad. But no, the universe is infinate and why wouldnt someone be interested in me.

Mums going back to Sandleheath afte her 2 years in London which I'm happy about because I think she will feel so much happier being in that environment, especially if she can stay well enough to nurture relationships with friends and to drive to London every now and again. And selfishly, it means I'd want to be there at Christmas after missing it for the past two years because it meant experiencing the stress of London rather that the chilled-outness of Home. I woud be so great if we coud get the boys round too.

I just want to be with someone who gets me. Just putting it out there, there is very much a that-shaped hole in my life right now. Friends are great, of course but something is definately missing inside my heart.

L x

7:34 p.m. - 2019-09-08

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