warmlove's Diaryland Diary

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I'll get myself back

*look at the flowers and the green grass so tall*

It's been too long. a year and a bit. I've been having some days over the past month feeling so low and gloomy and not getting any joy from anything. I've been thinking about Dad and missing him so much and wishing I could share my life with him. Meeting two of his old school friends a few weeks ago was lovely and I feel like I am part of who Dad is just by simple little things like my love of going down the pub with friends and never wanting to go home, being a bit of an annoying devils advocate in family debates but staying calm and uber laid-back in the most tricky situations and I hope I share his open-mindedness and questioning the accepted 'way things are'. I so want to bring him up to Manchester and have him come on one of our work nights out and meet all these fantastic people I've made friends with over the past three years. I never introduced him to many friends after my mid-twenties. I'm trying to keep the memory of him with me...I need to talk to Mum and my sisters and family more about him...the memories are still painful cos they are linked to the final months but thinking of him does make me smile and feel how much I love him.

Another reason for my downness is Jess's drug problems. I don't think I can describe the horror of what she's gone through and we've gone through with her seeing the agony of someone addicted to crack cocaine. Fuck. It is so gut wrenchingly despairing and searingly painful. She has become an empty, soulless person with no care for how she makes anyone feel cos it is one thing and one thing only driving her. But I know she'll get clean, I know it...She is so like me, I wish I had been a more powerful big sister influence but she's made her own choices and every now and again you see a glimmer of the old her. She stole critical drugs from my parents including our dying Father in excruciating pain, lied to us all time and time again, stole Abbey's car to go score, she tried to get Abbey to smoke crack when she was depressed after Abbey had tried it once before and physically assaulted my Mum. It makes me cry so hard when I think of my Dad's face looking so confused (with no ounce of judgement or anger) when, two days before he died, he found out that Jess had been stealing his morphine and he asked her "Why?". I wish he was here now still with my Mum, supporting each other but I know it would break his heart to see, It would kill him inside. My Mum is on the edge of a breakdown everyday, being in that house is so tense, I dread going there. I love my Mum so much she is such a force of nature, so funny and amazing with people and social and kind she lights up a room and She loves us so so so so much I just want her to be happy and I can even articulate how sad I feel that she has lost Dad. They should have been together for the rest of their lives. But I need to cling to the good stuff - Abbey is so clever and determined and self-less with an amazing sense of humour, I love Vicky's unrelenting optimism, such sentimentality for our childhood, love for her and her boyfriends messy, crazy Labrador who shits all over their rented (our Auntie's)flat and excitement about the simplest stuff, My Mum's gorgeous, teeny, genius Chihuahua, Max and what incredible, caring, funny, loving boys, teenagers now Matt and Brandon have become. To spend time with them is such pure joy for me, I am so proud of them. Celia is such an inspiring woman, her personality is so wonderful, I'm welling up a bit thinking about how caring, wise loyal and generous she has been to us our whole lives. I want to be a cross between her and my Mum when I grow-up

I've experienced an un-official romance I would call it over the past 8 and a bit months. It's over now and I wouldn't work as a proper boyfriend-girlfriend relationship despite the fact that there is/was mutual attraction, chemistry and a friendship. I think because I am so laid-back and do like to take things moment to moment if it feels good, I would have been happy to carry on but he realised that he didn't want that - he wants to be 100% single OR with someone he cares enough about to be in a real relationship with. So I am preparing for perhaps the girl he's seeing who works bloody next door to us! (have started befriending her and chatting to her when I go in tho - hahah)to end up being his girlfriend cos its not that he doesn't want one, its just that I am not the one for him. It is for the best cos I think that I might have developed feeling of love for him so it would SUCK to be with someone who didn't love you! Though I wouldn't want us to be in a relationship cos I know its not what we both want. I don't want to give up my time and freedom and my chance to meet someone else that I have an amazing connection with cos they are out there and I need someone a bit more laid-back and comfortable with my sense of humour and forceful, yet really caring and vulnerable personality.

I got to have some lovely moments and adventures with someone that I am still friends with (I have to see him most days cos we work together) I think something good will develop and we can stay being close friends even with him being in a new relationship that he said he doesn't want at this time in his life.
Don't get me wrong, he's not perfect and can be really snappy and melodramatic and SO DEFENSIVE!!!!!! My God!!!! But those sweet, quiet, really romantic moments spent were great and I'm glad I experienced them...8 months is a long time and I'm so surprised it lasted that long. There was SOMEthing there. i'm just glad that i can feel love and now I don't care if someone knows I like them and that makes me vulnerable...Fuck it!!!! Live is TOO FUCKING SHORT to care...what have we got to lose!!!!!!!

I need to write more. I think I must have been getting happier the past year because when I'm happy Im in the moment and I don't think of spilling my guts over these pages.
I am going to fight as hard as I can to be happy, to be strong and to pull myself out of this misery....my appetite is GONE and my drinking is quite a bit but I know I'll feel good soon and start cooking food for me again and feeling excited about life again like the real me. I'm making a TV show for gawds sake! Written by me and I'm acting in it, that's fucking exciting....s'gunna be great!!!!!
x

1:54 p.m. - 2016-09-23

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