warmlove's Diaryland Diary

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Be less crap

*soh genna*

Fantastical news, we all wrote begging letters to the head of the school to get some bursary money, stating our case and me, Monika, Elka and Kyle were sent cheques..mine was the biggest amount which was cool..a lovely free �500! I knew it was a great letter! Well worth the stress!AND got next terms casting...Cleopatra, in a scene with Darren again and Olivia in my favorite Shakespeare play, Twelfth Night'..Amy Shepherd also playing the part..me Olivia via Myra Hindley, of course. Stand-up, went okay, got laughs, not as big ones as I'd liked, if I did it again I would leave more room to just improvise it and not cut it short. Maybe comedy isn't my thing. Drug addict, poor single Mum, Policewoman, Lawyer, Pirate I look like, or can do well in acting, apparently, serious 'gritty', authority people. I agree but disagree that all I can do. Vulnerable, weak, scared, funny, 'ditsy' I am those things in life so I can do them too for the ole acting. Its almost code for - you arent pretty or desirable, you have severe, hair! haha. Well if it is work youre getting then it doesnt matter if you dont like those qualities in yourself! I dont want to be serious as a person though. I dont think i am, i just get sick and tired of life sometimes and a bit depressed.

I need to look more relaxed for the old acting. Apparently I could make lots of money playing Portugese, Black, mixed-race, Indian, Middle Eastern, North African, Latina and/or Hispanic people! haha. Just gonna be relaxed. Hmmmm, dont want to be skeptical, but dont I have to be very skilled and interesting as an actor and not be a shit camera actor? It it really as simple as being/seeming more relaxed? There's a Glottal thing that I do which needs to ironed out with exercises, I'm not really sure about what that means but I'll just work on it, you cant be cynical about it.
I just want to push past where I am languising now, break through the concrete ceiling. I get so angry when being discerning, having high expectations of yourself and aiming high is put down as a bad, negative quality - the only thing I can think is that they see me as not being able to achive much more. if you feel that people, including yourself don't think ur very good then of course you'll try harder. I'll show 'em.

Wanted to punch smug Jeff from Fat Olive the other day at work..he waits (the coward) until we're alone together and then nervously blurts out that 'Glenn doesn have to call me to make sure I get to work on time.' I said 'Erm, What?'..and he giggled..'you know, when you stayed over' Cringe. I just gave him a horrible look and told him that 'No, you can't talk to me about things like this' then walked away. Confronted Dave about the questions hed been asking Glenn and he lied and said that he'd said nothing. Cringe, a small triangle of awkwardness occured. Like not having to be like, yeh...this is whats happening, put a label on us just spending time together..its weird though, there have been so few chances to actually, to put it plainly, have much sex so it is nothing like 'seeing eachother' or 'going out'. Will work on it but time is scarse and only gonna get scarcer to be honest. Gotta make time, eh?! x

8:59 p.m. - 2013-03-23

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