warmlove's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A short negative story about acting and drunk Wigan chefs

*there's a light outside your window*

Oh my god! I want to smack everyone in the world with fucking photographic memory. Why, oh why, oh why, after trying my absolute hardest and spending any free second on it am I only person sent out of the rehearsal room by our external Director on Tuesday for not knowing my lines well enough!! For fucks sake! I hate that all the times I forgot my lines or lyrics in the past people would make up bull shit like I was nervous or didn't want to remember them! NO! I just have a bad memory for learnt lines, and can't learnt lines quickly. But, of course, I'm the worst one it seems - same with remembering dance routines..there must be a link.

I wanted to talk to the really lovely voice teacher we have about worring that I haven't improved at all since being at school and we are way over halfway through the voice training - I don't see any strengths that I have - if my voice isnt brilliant or my body adaptable enough I wont get theatre work and if I can't get very, very good at acting for camera then I'm screwed on that front - my looks wont provide any parts based on them, though theyre starting to just cast me as angry, violent, ugly bullies for some reason - that's fine but at the moment I cant do the south London accent requiired to sufficiently stereotype me nicely into that, erm, stereotype! Ah, whatever, I just feel like I'm crap and not improving, things I though I was great at im being told I'm not really and I'm running out of time.

Such weird occurances in the world of work, still hanging out with chef guy, but scarily, the other chef, guy, his mate - the nervous, genius, slightly pretentious, repetitive one got really, really drunk, decided to accompany me to 24 hour Tesco, swaying and shaking and walking into traffic and decided to tell me that he really fancied me for stupid, pretentious reasons (shudder). Cringe. When I said to Jack about going for drinks with other chef guy, and how he had drunk alot that day, and the next day, and the next (birthday weekend) he made a face and was all disapproving, like, its a shame, why waste your time with someone like that. I hate that, people being incredibly picky for me, someone who has not had ANY male interest the WHOLE TIME he had known me!!!!!!!!!! I cant afford to be picky and I do like the guy despite him occasionally being a drunken nutter!

So anger about not getting the acting thing - being a little more shit at a few things at school than everyone else - singing (why people patronise me and say that I can sing makes me even more angry - I am 28 years old, I KNOW what good singing sounds like!!! arrrghhhh!!!!), combat, period dance, voice, radio, accents, acting in general) maybe it's cos we dont do the anything goes classes like proper creative movement and improvisation anymore.
And the weirdness of only doing college, college work after college and work at weekends, a drink at work then sleep has set in..hmmmm, must not get stuck in that. I just want to feel good about

Sisters still not calling me..maybe a text from Vicky if she wants someting - Mum has told Abbey she has to leave at the end of the month, Vicky had a huge go at Mum when she was back for their birthday, her boyfriend had to tell her off for it and then they went to go stay in a hotel - I hate that story, it makes me feel horrible for some reason - someone from outside our family having to stand-up/ defend my Mum maybe. Poor Dad had to be rushed to A&E because he has divertiulitis, something like that, hes okay now, but he gets all sorts of problems because of stress. That makes me so sad - why cant Mum and Dad just have fun, relaxing times!? Argh! my sisters can be real negative, negative life-force drainers - so self-involved (at least I save all of my version of that for typing in secret).

Anyhoo, its nice to know people in Wigan outside of the ALRA bubble - even if I know that introducing one of them to the bubble could be awkward as fuck with like a freight trains worth of judgement! Who fucking cares though? Really? I should be liked and appreciated and have someone who is attracted to me...FUCK OFF all the people who make me feel stupid for feeling a way when I dont have that in my life! I deserve it! Who cares if I cant juggle or speakin a possibly Brixton dialect!
x

10:31 p.m. - 2013-01-16

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

contact

random entry

other diaries:

ann-frank
strawberrri
random-ditto
vinylgirl
gutterballs
andrew