warmlove's Diaryland Diary

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It's only a Fairy Queen

*One step onto the ice/ I hold my breath*

A big, gunmetal-grey coloured pigeon sat still and wistful greeted me on my doorstep when I arrived home yesterday. I screamed loud..my sister, who I was on the phone to, kept rabbiting on obliviously in my ear as I flapped around, terrified of this quiet beautiful bird, "Abigail! Abigail! Shutupshutup. Stop talking!!!! There's a massive still pigeon! Help!!!!" I screamed.

Now it is Friday and I fucking choked in Shakespeare voice class. I am kicking myself, I've never embarassed myself so much in front of a group of people. I just froze, like some awkward Maths Masters Degree student. I just loast any ability to think on the spot or have any self belief.
Our teacher was trying to help by getting me to connect and share with something that excites me, arouses me...we ended up on wine (though of course sex was my impulse answer that I supressed. I'm such a coward!) and I tried to describe the type of wine it was - flavours but my mind was totally blank and I couldn't even speak a couple of lines of the speech in a seductive, sensual way to someone else in the class...I choked and lost any confidence...and just kept thinking that everyone must be thinking - what a DICK, she's such a terrible actor, the same in everything. Our teacher tried to get me to sing a Nina Simone song I said I liked when she aked and then gave-up on me. (thankfully).

I said to my teacher after that that I have spent the past week and a half using every ounce of effort in me trying not to burst into tears. Because I feel totally worthless and don't see the point (I know this sounds over dramatic) of living at this point.
Because of personal issues, not because I occassionally feel like I'm a terrible actor and person!
She was really good about it but I felt like it was too late for me to ramp back up to where everyone else was in the class so I was just tentitively wandering around the room, speech in hand as everyone else got all playful and energized, the ODD ONE OUT again and I was scared to fail.I wish I was fearless with this stuff, I feel like I was at one point, or at least brave and then I lost it.

I'm not loose or free enough to do so much of the stuff I want to do at school. So annoying and I hate people seeing me as a whiny weak person who can't hack second year. The truth is I am incredibly tough and self sufficient and I don't know how to be any other way and when people don't see me like that I get uncomfortable even though I know if i was more free and open and dependent I wouldn't be in this lonely, hidden-away place that I am in now.

I feel like I am happy, but that I can't help thinking sad thoughts and there's no-one I can talk to and be 100% honest with.

Theres a girl in my class (she's a friend but I haven't quite figured her out yet, if I can trust her) who really does believe that she is the school most gifted actress, though is still neurotic about not being very good from time to time. She is very into VOICE and SHAKESPEARE etc and always has something going on in the romance department. She can do the dancing, when I'm the one in the class who gets the special help. She's at least 1/3 my body weight but moans about being fat.

I feel so angry about my shortcomings but I don't want to slip into it and have no-one like me at school like what would happen on some of the bad films, when I'd get taken over by the stress of the job and stop being light, friendly and playful with my coworkers so by the end of the shoot I had virtually no good friends!
Walked back from school with Alex Boy though and we had a great chat about it all and that was great but, lying wrapped in a blanket in front of out mini fire, drinking wine a different colour to the one I so erm 'skillfully' described in voice class, I still don't quite have the energy to get dressed, do my hair in a way that doesn't look like a Funeral Parlour worker (issues) and go drink with everyone. But I don't want to miss the chance....well, there's a limited opportunity to remedy my current problem...

Had a great night out with Andy in Manchester last week, got me feeling particularly depressed when he talked about his/Matt's gang and how they are moving into their proper grown-up lives, wishing I was part of a group like that - I was always some occasional, non drugged-up randomer on the outskirts.
The actor, Craig Charles who woulda played my Dad if I'd got that Corrie part (turned on the telly accidently and saw the actress they casts first episode a few days earlier!) came into the bar we were at about 3am and I saw that as some kind of SIGN of something!

To sum up..I need to remember how fucking lucky I am to be at Drama school and doing things that are exciting and make me feel happy and satisfied.

I need to tell myself that I am not single or alone because I am ugly or have a horrific personality (I am and possess neither of those two things)

I remember when this diary used to be funny.
x

9:08 p.m. - 2012-10-05

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