warmlove's Diaryland Diary

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It'll ruin the GOOD vibes

*The beautiful people*

I've needed to write my rotting little heart out for a good 54 days..always been distracting upon distracting! Yargh!

I've been through many, many colours and shades of peaks and troughs of emotions..ironic considering what a TERRIBLE, RANGE-LESS actor I am!!

It was a great week last week..started on rehearsing Live Like Pigs...I love the play, amazingly written, great characters! Really excited about the character I play..a tough, vicious filthy sexual predator almost!

But today was one of the worst days at school for a while...felt like a twat cos i felt like I couldnt improvise this singing in voice...instead of being general in feedback said i didnt want to give my opinion because it would be very negative and everyone elses feedback was positive. Then I got called a right brain thinker scared to get it 'wrong'..god, that HURT...i dont want to be a stiff..thinker, making everything academic or something...I thought I was 'instinctual' last week! Then in acting for camera apart from forgetting lines I was ugly, did one facial expression and was so FUCKING boring. I really hate who I am. I'm a horrible person, genuinely dont know why people are friends with me....but to be honest I dont have any close friendships...emotionally...not as id like. I don't know the solution. I love what im doing right now, even if today has brought back my previously diminished idea that I am a shit actor. I wish I was better. I don't want to be an actor and have sacrificed the chance of being happy and not alone (like Soph said YEARS ago). It's not fair...some people have both. Everyone else in my school is younger, long hair etc ..and therefore seen as prettier than me. I am not even FUNNY...most of the time people listen to me with blank faces, see me on camera talking about myself, I SUCK energy out the room. Didn't think I'd care about that or even notice that kind of stuff but it does eat me a bit. If I have no-one in my life this summer AGAIN I will feel like killing myself. Honestly. I'm such a hardened person that why would I be attractive to anyone. I feel like the last one leftI shouldn't have significant people being those who I was really into but wont hardly remember me. Why couldn't any of them worker out? I'd be in much stronger position now. Never mind, got to be positive or tommorrow will end up being worse than today.

Was home this weekend gone, very unusual for me...got a lift with Ms Monika Weymouth. It was so, so sad at times, so much tension and unease...I suprised my Mum at 11pm by just strolling into her room all casual like (hasn'd seen her for 5 months!)...she cried and was so happy and confused to see me...a shame we never get to properly take advantage of the fact that we are very happy to see each other..there's never enough time. She had a 15 year old boy called Gordon who she's doing respite care for. He has autism, really friendly and he started crying when he was saying to me about how terrible things happened to him at the children's home and he was scared to go back. He'd written a song about his feelings and, I can't stop thinking about the lyrics, God I'm crying right now thinking about him. He can't express his feelings in a way that you would read by his facial expressions but he does cry and kept asking if I could tell that he was upset.

7:58 p.m. - 2012-05-09

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