warmlove's Diaryland Diary

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The air she breathes

*she get's the faraway look in her eyes*

We've had the funeral. I got the overnight coach Manchester to London. Snapped at my Granma when I got to her house at 6.30am when she insisted that I hadn't rung the bell, when I had rung it at least 4 times. I had nothing to say to her and I felt very guilty that i have such a terrible relationship with her. Wish I could say I was strong, good-natured and sociable at the funeral. People, like Bev's Godson, Chanice, Vicky, Mum all said lovely things and really captured who she was, what a huge personality she had..but I couldn't stop crying. Couldn't stop. All the religious bullshit of it I wasn't in the mood to hear. She's dead and gone. I respect that Bevon would have drawn comfort from hearing all this and believe in God. But I can't and I don't believe that stuff. When you are dead, that's it. Its the end.
I stayed til about 9.30pm at the wake (ignored by most of my non-immediate family, not that, that's important in that circumstance, but I felt pretty sad and lost and pointless) then headed to the station..a bit early so I could meet up with Sparkles briefly then get my midnight coach. Turns out I'd misread my ticket and missed the coach by 20 minutes. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I just fell apart. it felt like the end of the world. I felt so angry at myself and intensely distraught..I sat on the street crying my eyes out for a good 15 minutes. Couldn't stop. I felt like I shouldnt go back to my Granmas because I'm not tight and don't feel loved by most of my family...I don't know them (more guilt). I phoned my Mum eventually (so embarrassed that I hadn't just done what I intended and been self-sufficient etc. Cryed all the way home...felt so bad that Mum waited at the tube for me bus I'd missed the last one so ended up walking from Brixton. I was whining that I was so angry that I'd missed it. Kept trying to check times for the morning. She insisted that she'd pay the ridiculously high amount for the train because it's so much quicker and told me to put it on her debit card. In the end I stubbornly just put it on my own card and got up early the next day to book the coach instead.
Felt terrible that I hadn't been stronger and that one of the few chances people in my family saw me I wasn't sociable or strong and supportive. I think that I should have died not Tanita because I am just worthless in the family. I feel like such an outsider. She shouldn't have died. It wasn't fair. It was a fucking tragedy and every death since then has just been twisting the knife in further.
Hopefully I will make it up to my Mum, she wasn't angry at the time, It was just an overwhelming day.
She sent me a lovely long text about how she was staying up all night sewing Brandon's Egyptian costume, complete with gold sandals and how things are better with her and my sisters, Junes signed off work, struggling to cope with Bev being gone, (Granmas acting like shes fine as always) and she said that when she asks me how I am she means everything: life, work, love...she wants to share everything. I didnt comment on that last part...I wont just go to change and start telling her about this 'love' thing....what will I say..I had sex 6 months ago with a guy in my school who is saving himself for his 'love-of-his-life' ex-girlfriend so just wants to fuck around with as many people as possible but started sleeping with this permatanned girl, in the 2nd year, just after me and that has become a relationship. And all the blokes I come into contact with are 18-22 and/or don't find me attractive so no one night stands. She's been married for 27 years. How the fuck would she understand about nothing working out? She told me once that I had to get good at being in a relationship. God, the most annoying comment EVER! It takes two to tango!! ANd You have to realise how picky men nowadays are and can be.
That said..I am not an envious person..but when these easy..sometimes accidental couples form around me at school and especially when I hear their loud sex through walls more than I would care to I feel depressed within myself. And when I feel like that these days(self-pity is disgusting I KNOW!) I don't go and spend time having fun with non-couple people..I get angry at myself for not having found at least some sex if I miss it that much..at 27 I feel like I'm so alone. I feel like I'm past it and that I'm too cynical and stubborn for anyone to be charmed by this package. Rebecca in my year, I realized is expected to not come to our parties, gatherings and nights out because she is around my age and she has a boyfriend at home. So I tried to stay in more..erm..starting tonight but I realize that it's just wrong because I am alone. I just want someone who I like (male preferable) just say..Hey, I want to spend an evening in with just you. I want that kind of attention. The non-19 year old is totally not a thing..we were meant to watch My Girl together after the valentine's party (Which was fabulous. the most intense, beautiful decorations..loads of red candles, heart bunting, black and white photographs of iconic couples from cinema, an Italian restaurant corner little table and 2 chairs with white table cloth, white chins, candle in wine bottle, breadsticks, fancy china, sexy lingerie strewn on lamps and door handles, handcuffs, Cosmo 'position of the week' decorated the from hall..red silk curtains..we went so over-the-top it was heavenly) but i drank way too much California white wine and fell asleep/passed-out very early. Slightly annoying though as I felt like there was something nice between us building..but I've know since November that he has no interest in me so why, when people say Oh, you'd make such a good couple, I think he likes you do I consider him and what he might or might not think of me? People who like me think that I am far more attractive to the opposite sex than I am!!!
I've been in tonight..I didn't want to go out and come back feeling just as hideous and 'past-it' or worse. One girl has only ever come out with us or to a party once but since she broke up with her boyfriend yesterday she's out and 'on-it' tonite...its not just new found freedom though...shes been flirting like mad with another guy (I always found him attractive, but God Lord! He's 19/20..shuddder)in our year and he'll be there. As I type I hear creaky bed upstairs! Arghhhhhh!!!!! I hate them! I am so, so happy that I am in Drama school in a lovely little town and feeling like one day I will get to be a very good actor, doing great things which I what I have wanted since I could remember my but that over-whelming loneliness, it sure has Chain watching films tonite.. 'Somersault' tonite which made me cry like a baby and now 'Rachel getting Married' which will do some of the same. It's cathartic.
Got a job interview on Thurs for Front Agency..like a TBC in Manchester so fingers x-ed!!! That's some good news. Gotta screech through a duet performance with Elka of what is my least favourite song in the world now.
I will sort this crap out. Maybe I'm just in a negative mood...maybe I need to pour my energy into something better? I've volunteered to walk dogs for The Cinnamon Trust? Trying to arrange, for Comic Relief for some of us to Walk from Alra North, Wigan to Alra South, Wandsworth!!! That's pretty cool.

9:35 p.m. - 2012-03-03

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