warmlove's Diaryland Diary

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I want a ticket to anywhere. Maybe we make a deal?

*starting from zero/ Got nothing to lose/ Maybe we'll make something together*

Jessica was the person who phoned me and told me that Bevon had died. 'Passed-away' she said. Not died. Jess was ringing around letting people know. (Such a grown-up thing to do i thought)
I didn't know what to do or say or think. Crying feels appropriate and I wanted to but not many came... The funeral is next Friday. Red was, I didn't know this, Bevons favourite colour so they have decided that people should wear that colour. At Tinitas' funeral it was lilac-purple I think..I remember the lilac shirt I wore under a black v-neck woolen sweater and a long, black winter coat. Frenchies' funeral was 4 years ago this month. I don't know what to say..feelings are muddled up with other feelings. The short, little bits of time, more recently that I spent with her are lovely memories, but I wasn't there, I wasn't there for the hard, painful stuff. i didnt know her properly all those years. And because We are Family and that's meant to mean something and bond you where there's no bond, no one is saying to me YOU WERN'T THERE FOR HER. YOU DIDN'T KNOW HER AS WELL AS YOU SHOULD. SAME WITH FRENCHIE, YOU DISAPPEARED WHEN HE STARTED THE RADIO AND CHEMO. YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON. YOUR FAMILY DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU, EXCEPT THAT WE HAVE TO BECAUSE YOU'RE FAMILY.
It could all be beautiful and a family of friends and close relatives but It's not and I don't think it ever will be because I haven't made an effort. Maybe I'm scared and too proud. but it is a two-way street. And I find London, being there to live and work brings me to tears. Why? Did I not notice how lonely it is before when i was living there. I'm not even staying over the day before or after the funeral. i just remember how tiny and empty Bev looked in that smokey red club room the night before Tinita's funeral and I tried to hug her...But she looked so strong at Frenchies when I met her eyes during the poem reading, nodding away, supporting.

Been a bit dazed at certain points at school..I just have patches of slight distraction and then get emotional inside, can't work out why or it might be something else, less important that I'm worried about so i feel bad because of that then I think about the main thing I should be sad about by the time that's happened I've lost my concentration and end up giving up on the exercise were doing and just go....fuck it..I don't care this isn't important. not 'professional' I agree, when that mentality shows but I'm trying to keep it under wraps!

In lighter news; Micro-gate Scandal hit. Hard.

the 2nd years ( 80% of which are stuck-up, unfriendly and moody dick-headish types) decided, when the only microwave we had in canteen broke down, to buy their own and put a sticker on it saying '2nd years only'...so I got sick of not being able to heat my soup up for lunch so when it was free i used it..Everyone in my year was all "oooh! what are they gonna do...you rebel' etc joking around and one of the second years was there as i got my steaming hot, lovely Leek and potato soup out and was all "oh, I don't care, whatever"..So the next day I use it again and when i go to get my food out one of the 2nd years gives me a funny look so i joke 'Hi, I am in the 2nd year..we just haven't met yet', he gives me a weird look, not impressed. I go and sit down next door and 5 minutes later the ' moodiest and the 2nd most evil glaring one" comes up to my table and in front of 12 of us tells me that "I shouldnt have done that, we bought it for us and it's not fair. blah, blah, blah and I was rude to say that I was in the 2nd year" I carry on eating and ask her if she expects me to eat cold food, should I pay them for the electricity used etc...if they have no sense of humour then that's worrying etc'
She stomps off back to the main canteen room and they all start bitching about me..one of the blokes in that room stands up and shouts "She needs to respect her elders"...soemone politely reminded him that I am 27 and at least 6 years older than everyone in the 2nd year!Party smile

The 2nd years went off to their year meeting where they complained to the deputy head of school about what happened with the microwave. While there gone me and Remmel go and get a big cardboard box and made a microwave with sharpy and duct tape..with 'Microwave of peace and love for the whole wide world, by Zannucci' writtten on it and a pop open door and everything. Put a bowl of soup inside it! We put it on top of theirs....My God, when they got back from their meeting and saw it..they hit the roof!!! Grabbed it and took it to the office and said "see, look what we have to deal with, look how immature they are!" Very funny...it was all people were going on about for 2 days...I got proper EEEVIIIIILLS from the moody girls..they almost didn't let me in the building at one point...just stared at me! Dicks!

Non 19-year-old..bizarre behaviour, told me that someone else thought we were getting together...Jokey thing (prob truth on his part) about neither or us being in each others leagues or finding each other attractive. It comes up in our conversation a fair amount so I do consider if there's something weeny there. Some chemistry but I'm sure its all friends, reminds me of my relationship with Andrew, which is nice.
Pathetic at 27 to have such immature interactions with a single, available man but maybe I am that unattractive to him (and many others) brilliant! Gotta end on the positive as per usual, eh?
x

11:56 p.m. - 2012-02-02

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