warmlove's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- More important things 'We've been told to straighten our hair to make other people feel more comfortable with us.' Coming back to London..very reluctantly, feeling of impending doom...Everyone talked about the excitement to go home! To go home for Christmas, to finally be going home...I wasn't...not because I would be working almost every day of the month off but because I didn't feel like I was going home..London isn't my home..I don't have a home in London...its where I've lived for the past 4 years (some of that at my Granmas, feeling bad for not having my own life and home) but those years have been tough money wise and full of much loneliness, confusion and wanting a feeling of a community and friends nearby. Went to Stoke Newington to crash with A and S..thought sofa hopping again would make me more independent and get to spend time with friends despite not having much money. I knew anyway that I wouldn't be able to couch surf for a whole month and would ultimately ask my Granma if I could stay..but there where no other friends who now, I could ask to stay with, people have either moved on or moved away. I disliked the feeling of London as soon as I got of the Swindon train (Monika had driven me and Jack down from Wigan via Wiltshire)... CHAOS, ARROGANCE, COLDNESS, ALIENATING MATERIALISM AND WEALTH and ...This is what I was confronted with on my arrival to London. Walking the cold, wet streets, I have never felt so alone. Starting work back in Selfridges (had to ask for a loan from my Mum as I arrived in London with only enough for a week travel card and �17 to last one month) I was aware of the divide of having money, craving designer goods, enough cocktails to numb and protect, �5 Paninis with �4 coffees and having not enough money for any of those things (Me and my poor sister who only gets 20 hours a week work so is constantly broke despite paying a teeny amount of token rent a week). I think me being constantly stuggling a bit with money was and is worth it because I want to make my job something I have dreamt about doing and knew I would and had to do since the age of 5...But now all she wants is a nice job with nice people, a decent home and food and the chance to socialize ocassionally. She should have all of that..instead of not having the money to buy new toothpaste, fruit or go for a pint with her co-workers once a week. University...not such a good move, eh? Says me at one of the most expensive Drama schools in the country! Humph! My Granma, who I went to visit on day 3 of London (After full day 3 of work) said it was wrong that I stayed with them first 'You must look for your family first...not strangers' (A. They are old friends, who owe me a favour, B. I don't feel part of a united family...I don't feel that I have as easy a relationship with some as I do with my Mum and Dad..awkward, bad communications, gossip, making mountains out of molehills, some people too proud and stubborn, indifference to other people's lives) But all that is unimportant because Bev is now in a care home...the cancer is terminal. I don't know what to day or do. I feel so helpless..how my Mum will cope I am scared about. It is such a chain of tragedy. So, that, more than anything has cast a shadow over this time of year..Who cares about Christmas drinks and how much you fucking spend on your boyfriend's presents. She deserved for Tinita not to have died at 19 years old, for Frenchie to have not died of cancer, for her to be happy, healthy with a daughter who loves her and a man she loves deeply who isn't off in Jamaica with his wife. 5:45 p.m. - 2011-12-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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