warmlove's Diaryland
Diary
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Burnt-out, Anti-marriage Non-smiler seeks Athiest, Cynical and Sexy security guard
*You're no tramp but you're no lady*
Maybe I'm like one of those burnt-out stock broker yuppies from the '80s, shattered from non-stop work but on a roll so I don't notice the extent to which I need a break to recover. I don't wanna bang on about it...(but I will) and if it comes up I wont gush lovingly about my (fictional) sun-kissed two weeks in Ibiza last year, its just the truth..I don't want sympathy..some people have NEVER go on a holiday or have time off from their physically demanding jobs blah, blah, blah. It's nuts though, unless you count the 4 or 5 days off at Christmas each year and the 3 week chunk when I was unemployed 3 years ago, or one music festival I haven't had a proper break or gone away on a holiday from my life..I guess it shows how committed I have been to the whole film and acting shah-bang. But to be honest I reckon a pursuing a career in anything with every ounce of your energy to the sacrifice of your personal life with ultimately leave you unhappy and unfulfilled, especially when things aren't going well in the career area. An acting job wont give back to you any affection or go with you to go live in Madagascar for 3 months or whatever.
I wish at my job I had the guts to just scream out my real thoughts. The reception manager constantly reminding me, in the most passive aggressive way possible, things I'd done wrong I just wanna go: "I'm not fucking stupid. I know how to do this annoying little kiss-arse job. If I make a weeny mistake HOW does that affect the universe?" You have to stand up when someone approaches the front desk which is the most cringe-worthy thing EVER! I'd rather just be stood-up the whole time so I don't look like some subservient Victorian servant with a face full of Jordan-esque make-up anytime some Insurance company flunky approaches.
The other girl who I sometimes sit next to (and don't have the energy to bother making small talk with anymore, it feels like how i felt when i first worked with Hayley, then ended up begrudgingly realizing that she was alrite and being friends with her..then realizing what a disloyal tit she was..farewell), her and I got talking (awkwardly) about holidays and travel and I mentioned how long it's been for me. She (in that general sense that people do when they don't know you from Adam or what you have experienced in your life thus far) said that I should travel while I'm still young (bullshit..why couldn't you do brilliant things like that when you were 'old'..its that kind of reductive thinking that leads to mid-life crises and people not pursuing their dreams because they think (society dictates) that they are too 'old'. BULLSHIT. New Hayley continued, 'You know, do it before you settle down and get married and have kids.' I responded with, 'Well, I don't want to get married or have kids...I'd rather be with someone I love for a long time and there's no need to get married. It's never appealed to me.' She responded in a similar way to as if I'd said I was planning on running as an MP for the BNP and the way people react when I say 'No, I'm not on Facebook'. I just dont understand why getting married is seen as such a wonderful and such a necessary thing, I really don't. I would understand if it was the concept of finding a partner who you loved more than anything in the world, who you had mind-blowing sex with and was your best friend and sense-of-humour soul mate. That is something that it is SAD if you don't find, regardless of the fact if it lasts for 5 years or 50 years. People like New Hayley react as if getting married is human nature at its most primal. Having a baby, yes, is related to human nature at its most primal..I could imagine changing my mind about that in the far future. I like kids over the age of 4..though it doesn't appeal to me to create and give birth to my own and have to raise them for 16 years. I don't feel an urge to get my own children, or anyone else's for that matter. It sometimes feel like a panic mechanism newly-weds have after a year and a half of just their own company...perhaps things will be fresher and we'd feel less stifled if we had a baby to come between us? I saw an episode of 'Keeping up with The Kardashians' that touched on some of these contentious issues. Ah, that show is basically an advert for some a FANTASTIC make-up artist who swears by an airbrush foundation unit...Kim Kardashians face is looks FLAWLESS.
Anyway, I wanna fly the flag for not wanting to get married. I think that the issue is, the people I get to talking about marriage are disproportionally people geared towards assuming that marriage is the only way to go and that it is every girl's (and boy's) dream: receptionists with long-term boyfriends, Christian security guards from Ghana, security guards who are flirting with me, my Grandmother, erm my Mum who's been married for 27 years. Oh and new Hayley didn't come out with it straight away, to give her credit, but inevitably a way she could deal with it was..'Ah, when you meet the right person it'll be different.' Ah, yes..the 'right person', this elusive gentleman that I have met 2 or 3 times already..who, as the 'Why don't you have a boyfriend?' idiot brigade vehemently assume for any woman who is not in possession of two heads or a sole tooth, is on every street corner and stood waiting, single and commitment-hungry inside every over-priced, pretentious cocktail bar in London. Emailed 12 out of the 28 gals and guys who will be my fellow drama school students just saying 'Hi' and 'I'm not on Facebook so tell me any news..whos coming to the accommodation day?' It wasn't the best email I've ever written admittedly, could have been funnier or warmer but I have had NO RESPONSE! Zero replies, nothing as much as a start to a innocuous thread where we just gush, perhaps a tad insincerely, about how excited we are about drama school and meeting each other and prancing around with the enthusiasm only found in a group of desperate fools who are paying �24,000 for an education in pretending. Perhaps if I'd put that in the poxy email I woulda got some kind of response. Oh, God I hope everyone in the year isn't like those girls I awkwardly talked to when I was all alone and vunerable at one of the final year plays...overly Youthful, cliquey, self-involved trendy types. Fuck. That wouldn't suprize me. I've always felt a bit unconnected and slightly intimidated by anyone I meet who is a drama school student.
Oh-my-gosh..and, t'other night I found out that Mr. MyEmbarrassmentwewillnever talkaboutitthoughimusthavebroughtitupwhendrunkbutthenforgot is bloody starring in the play in the ole west end that Nathan is directing!!! Along-side MadwhiskeyJason (he was a contemporary of Russell Brand at The Drama Centre, and lived with him there which makes so much sense..he seems like an intense, quality yet semi drugged and drunken actor). Good for Mr., though I wont go and see it unless I'm invited, his head is probably through the roof...well, we are vague acquaintances at best so who cares? So I just have to get through 6 weeks of the irritating job..its not soo bad, I have pockets of okayness..the people are fine, but Ive just got to be okay with the fact that I am not a 'constant smiley' person, I cant be arsed to constantly fake it..I'm just me and some security guards might pester me because they take it to mean that I seem a bit miserable. Its all relative..I'm friendly and joke around a bit with all of them but there are other more radiant red-suited girls with permanent, rictus grins plastered across their faces that float around showing me up you see.
x
6:15 p.m. - 2011-07-17
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