warmlove's Diaryland
Diary
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Deja vu peach pie
*We should be up in the clouds* I don't want to be ten years older, sat in a dingy basement bar in Soho, drinking warm Becks out a bottle with random actor, theatre, musician types that I barely know, talking bollocks until 3am. Not having anyone I love to go home to and pouring every ounce of my life and energy into a lack-lustre acting career at the expense of anything else meaningful, joyful and fulfilling in life.
I'm not having a dig a perhaps several people who I know that this could describe and this could easily turn out to be my fate. I don't think that I'm different and oh-so-special to not want what is probably an alright life if you're living it. But the past couple have times I've ended up out after the same-old pub, eve though I've been with acting teacher and my friend from class I've felt really like (despite the fact that I shoudn't be spending money on going out for drinks)gloomy and that its the same old thing...When you find yourself chatting to slightly annoying people you vaguely know or are total strangers, including a few 'dirty old men style blokes'on these nights outs you start to wish that you were spending time instead with your real friends. Maybe its cos I feel I should be in places where I might meet attractive guys I'd get chatting to. I know that sounds so SHALLOW, SHALLOW, SHALLOW but when the reason you're not feeling appreciated or don't have anyone special in your life is because you're not meeting anyone new then you might want to spend the little time you have to go out and have fun in different places. There was a kind of awkward, slightly hunched guy who came up to me and asked if he could sit in a chair that Nathan's mate (or, probably just some random he met that night..a really abrupt, big burly, leather -clad drummer in some big rock band)had left to go smoke..I was just chatting to him for a teeny bit...drummer came back, grabbed the guys shoulders and went "GET UP" really rude-like. i felt a bit bad for the guy. Later he came back and all awkwardly went" "Urrr, um it was really, really nice talking to you and er my friends are going home but I'd like to see you again" and I kinda played a bit dumb just cos he seemed alright (no confidence or charm to him so not my kinda thing), but i wouldn't want to go out on a date or something with him so to give him my number would just mean a pain in the arse for me like with Stalker Jason...I learnt my lesson. I did the euphemism of "Ah, I'm not allowed to give out my number, theres someone at home who wouldn't be happy about that" Surely to any man with a quarter of a mushy brain in their head would realize that the girl has a (fictitious or otherwise) boyfriend and didn't want to give out her number. I'm so stupid I should have either said, thanks, that's nice but your not really my type (the truth)or said that I was a lesbian..I ended up jokingly swapping my ring to my engagement finger as a joke when the guy went off to smoke, but was coming back cos I invited him to sit with us cos I felt bad that he's mates had left him to try to get laid and now he was alone in some gloomy basement bar. Later someone noticed the ring and asked me about it and instead of making up an elaborate back story about my fiancee Tom (I can't imagine ever getting engaged so it was quite an acting stretch for me to say with a straight face) I just refused to talk about it and said that my fiancee was funny about announcing it as an engagement which prompted hunched guy to start saying rude things about my fiancee which really offended me and then he suggested that I just wore the ring so 'guys wouldn't 'hit on me'' Cringe...that truth offended me more and I wished the whole thing didn't have to be a sad, pathetic lie! Then, bizarrely, after being too dumb to pick-up any of the hints..he asked me why i couldn't give him my number..."Uh, because I have a boyfriend" was my response..he was really suprised, the fool which offended me even more! I should have retaliated by grilling him as to why he was single...men don't usually get asked that stupid, irritating question...but I'm not a bully so I didn't..he then got all whiney about how he wished that I was single and liked him...God, I think that I must have been this guy to several guys in the past...that thing where you're SO not into someone, but you've got nothing to lose by being super nice to them and they take that to mean that you fancy them....
God, I'm to old for this bullshit. Who cares, I waste far too much energy thinking about this. But 4,5,6 months can slip away at the click of your fingers and you can find yourself lonelier than ever and missing some affection from somebody in your life. All I need is somebody I like who likes me. Is that too much to ask for? It's not like I keep myself locked away and I'm socially awkward although I do expect that they'd want to make the first move and that guys generally like to do a bit of chasing and approaching so I leave it up to them. Not because I want too but because apparently that's what works! How ridiculous. Positives... Alra term dates and reading list and clothing and equipment lists are in! so EXCITING!!A million and one books to read..I've gotta get a leotard too! I'm gonna look all chubby, It's gonna be grim..there better be some kind of sports bra thing you can wear under or me in movement class transforming into a chimpanzee won't be pretty for a couple more reasons!
Saw Jessica in a play at The Cockpit..she was great the play was pretty good in parts but some dodgy bits in the writing..who am I to judge, I am the worst person to watch and be analyzing everything instead of just watching and enjoying.It just made me want to get on stage too,really bad..roll on September!!
x
7:02 p.m. - 2011-06-03
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