warmlove's Diaryland Diary

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Valentine's Day Eve

*About five feet four
From her head to the ground*

last night was truly awful. And wonderful also but that was before I got on a seemingly harmless N1 nightbus ...I think I was already in a supremely irritable mood because I�d betrayed my �only eat salad leaves, tuna and soup� plan with greasy, yummy Kebab shop chips and I was sat behind annoying people who said something negative about men of a certain race and instead of drunkenly butting in and calling them out on there comment I just sat there and glared angrily at their backs. Then the bus took some weird route that I didn�t recognize and before I knew it the bus was cruising through bloody Deptford. So I got off, a little pissed-off that I wasn�t in my bed drinking late night tea. But the bus that would take me back the other way, hopefully to a place in London that might be near where I live...didn�t come. About 45 minutes passed and it still hadn�t come. The fact that I was all alone was the saddest thing. Noone knew I was there, in some totally abandoned street, there was noone I could reasonable call at that hour to bitch about it (a taxi drove past and asked if I was okay..�No, I�m bloody not� I�m crouched on the pavement alone at 4am!) Earlier that night I�d had proper goodbye drinks with Anna and Andrew..I love how they are moving back home and then are going to spend a year travelling the world. They are together so it doesn�t matter that moving home could be a step back in their career plans...they have each other, they make each other happy and they put their money together so they can travel. They have been together for 11 years..there whole adult lives so far..I am hyper independent and it is slowly killing my soul bit-by-bit. People keep telling me positive things about myself either as a suprised reaction to why I don't have someone to buy me cheap roses, chewy heart-shaped chocolates, perfumes and or a stodgy Italian meal out in an over crowded restaurant. Sara at work (she's one of those quite simple, earnest people who bores you with the painfully mundane, boring details of her life and the rational thought processes behind every application of mascara and the philosophy of weight loss.) was trying to figure out why I didn't have a boyfriend "It's not like you're ugly, you have a nice body shape" - Wow! Kill me with flattery why don't you! She enquired into whether I go out or not - That's ALL I fucking do and if I was sociable (Surely that is obvious from my personality, No?) She suggested that I try being really girly and go to different nightspots to my usual ones..like those Mayfair clubs (where girls with orange tans, black minidresses, massive heels whore themselves out to get free champagne at tables of old, rich Bankers). I don't think that my 'problem' is that I have a masculine vibe and hang-out everywhere in London BUT wanky Mayfair..I own one pair of trousers which are the girliest ones you could ever imagine and never leave the house without make-up. Shitest advice EVER..It should have been more than apparent that myself and Sara were on different wavelengths when she couldn't understand why you would go and drink in a pub. "You talk to people there? What old men?" and her statement "If I wasn't with my boyfriend I would definately meet someone else to go out with very easily. I'd just lose 2 stones though and then I'd be fine". What pissed me off more was her ignorantly suggesting that I go get a full-time office job, put the acting to one side until a big acting job that pays comes along (Erm, first hole in your plot: How do you get that job without taking days off and auditioning for LOADS of jobs in the first place?)so I'd make good money, get to see my friends on the weekend AND meet people better than the people I mix with at work and find a Office-working boyfriend (I guess she didn't realise the sheer number of men I encounter through any thing I do or place I visit related to acting or working on films ..I don't JUST work at HOF then go home and climb into my single bed all alone to cry). I don't know why I let other people being ignorant, small-minded and unambitious get to me! I know it's all bullshit they spout out but sometimes there stupidity and pointless platitudes drive me up the wall. Like after class this guy in class who has every one in stitches by saying only one word because he just has a very 'funny face', anyway down the pub afterwards he told me to put my number in his iphone. I do and then go off to the loo. When I'm in the loo my phone rings and I assume it's him drop-calling me. I come out and ask him if he called me and he was all: No, no, why would I do that? He goes off to the gents and I phone this number back and its some guy who says his name is Joshua..I saw you in The actors centre today, I got your number from reception. You are really sexy, we should go out...for half a second I believed it but then realised 'hang on this voice sounds familiar...I hang up and then the guy comes out of the loo STILL denying that it was him..He says.."It was probably someone who thought you were hot" and I go "Oh, yeh, right like that would ever happen"...half meaning..Noone would see you and get your number off reception then phone you at 10.30pm AND joking that I'm so sure it was you that did it I'm prepared to insult myself on the proces. But Kim, our teacher was all: 'You need to sort this attitude out missy, Why wouldn't someone find you attractive?" Lisa chimed in with "you're beautiful" at that point I almost told her to shut the fuck up..I restrained myself "NO! Don't say that please, it's irrelevent" (A. Beautiful is all relative, B. You could be the ugliest person in the world and be in relationships, therefore get asked out by people and C. Just because you are 'beautiful' doesn't mean people will ask you out) Then Kim felt the need to give me some pep talk...I hate that, I don't want to come across as having zero self-esteem..I used to, until last week think that I came across as an attractive person...I always assume guys who don't try to talk to me secretly fancy me..that's a sign of big-headedness and self-love surely?! Sometimes I just sometimes have a cynical, self-deprecating sense of humour. I still think I'm great and that you would be lucky to go out with me but I refuse to blame myself, make excuses or listen to people sugar-coating things. The reason why, for me, it's been one whole year and 3 pseudo dates only is... bad luck. I am me and I am happy with who I am. I am not going to be a braindead smiley, smiley "Aint everything so..NICE" person. NO. I see the worst in the world and I sometimes get passionate and out-spoken about things that people might want to brush under the rug and ignore instead. I am not going to wear ridiculously low-cut tops every single day because I have the size boobs, flatter chested friends insist should be out there because it gets loads of attention from men. I don't try and hide the fact that I have big-ish boobs..I couldn't if I tried..It's not like I wear matronly polo necks or anything. I don't suit or like loads of cleavage on me..it doesn't suit my style, it's distracting. Plus I HATE when you catch people (men and women) looking at your chest, it's degrading. People do love to stereotype big boobs,and people with them, they really do. Bigger is not always better..gravity takes it's toll..I'd LOVE to be able to wear strapless dresses in summer or loads of long hippy necklaces and not look frumpy.Small(er) boobed women dont understand that and they dont understand that big cleavage looks more 'Carry On' than seductive, elegant Red Carpet chic. For fun, I googled non-surgical breast reduction and all of the interwebs doctors agreed (suprise, suprise) that weight loss is the only way. I'll try that but I find when I lose weight it goes in my face, stomach and arms and not much in my chest. Maybe I just have to embrace it, but I stand by my 'CLEAVAGE AINT MY STYLE, EYES UPTOP LADS' philosophy. I'm a big Ranter at the moment..I know at times I must come across a bit 'Madeline meets Hippy Activist' and a certain guy I've noticed does this 'God, here she goes again..SHUT-UP!' look when I launch into a small tirade..The girls he goes for are so the opposite on me, I can just tell. He is a massive slag incidently yet nothing seems to stick for him, like me a bit. We both spent Valentine's day after class down the pub with classmates and Kim...Sad only if you recognize Valentine's day..I am not religious so I do not. I just feel proper glum at the moment. It was so pathetic..I was crying in the shower. Gross. I've never cried in a shower my whole life. It is so the anti-crying place..like a sunny, palm-tree lined beach..I have never cried on a sunny, palm-tree lined beach beach.I don't think anyone has. It started with supreme sadness that a few London friends were fleeing..half jealousy..I'd love to go somewhere new or different for a bit..half missing them and panicking that I'll have no-one left! I don't really give a shit that I got paid a terrifyingly small amount of money for this month and that it'll be a big ole struggle again...I just feel stuck in a rut..I wish I could enjoy any part of my life (again), this sucks very much. I HATE seeming like a sad, low-esteem person to other people..that so not who I am
x

8:24 p.m. - 2011-02-13

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