warmlove's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Embarassment makes you a better actress they, erm, say. Surely?

*Mama I'm a millionare/ but I feel like a bum*

The only thing to console yourself after SUPREMELY embarrassing moments (that leave you waking up in the middle of the night CRINGING) is that the further away you get from said moments the less the hurt!!

I had a great Saturday night after a week of only working one shift. (A bit scared about next months financial situation mainly because I have auditions to shell out for, rent to pay and I can never say no to an evening out!) This particular Saturday no-one seemed to be doing anything that I could tag along to so I text Brede to see if she was down the pub we always go down to after class. She said she was about to head down so I went against my better judgement that said "Save your pennies for next month you silly little Victorian-style urchin!" and said I'd rock up there later.
I thought it would just be me, her and a few randoms from that pub and actor type people but she said that Mature man might be coming down and Scottish Lucy came and then Nathan and Matt and Louis (Mouey).It was Jason's (Johnny Depp's double sometimes!!)Birthday so the pub was packed. It was cool that friends from class were down. When the pub shut Mouey mentioned something about a house party and I said that I was up for that, but then them and other people seemed to disappear and I needed the loo but was worried about everyone just going and leaving me behind (why the paranoia I don't know). At that exact minute I saw Mature man go to walk in the door of the pub and Louis and someone re-appeared so I grabbed Louis and said ' make sure you don't leave without me!' (in a bit to a desperate manner as I recall. Cringe.) And then I went running to the loo...almost like I was running away from M.M and he walked in the door. Then we were all outside and Scottish Lucy told me a juicy bit of gossip about her and someone, which made me collapse to the floor in hysterics. I was being so OTT that she had to drag me to the side and get me to shut the hell up cos it was attracting stares!! I gave her my equivalent bit of gossip about me and L and also me and MM ...that is an example of what AN IDIOT I AM!..I tell people secrets that I should not even mention because they are private officially and I wouldn't like it if guys told other guys about me and them AND I tell those secrets (after a few drinks) when I'm within earshot of the person(s) that the secret is about! I'm a fool.
Then when we got to The Phoenix place (I did occur to me that Mr Band man might be there but alas he wasn't..but I can only remember chunks of the night so I could have easily seen him and forgot tho knowing me I would make such a drunken tit out of myself when I saw him that I would remember or at least be reminded about it by friends later.) I just remember constantly thinking my friends had disappeared and getting a bit confused. I remember just standing a bit closer than I had to to L at the same time as saying hi to MM. I just have a memory of having a seat, then getting out of it to go talk to L, but them him saying 'you can sit down, you dont have to stand up'. OH CRINGE!!! I just hope I wasn't all over him. That would be mortifying. I was dancing with Nathan and laughing a lot, whilst seeing, in the corner of my eye, MM talking to Scottish Lucy for ages. It couldn't have been that bad and I remember us going back to Matts' in Camden with everyone but two things that disturb me are Lucy saying that she vaguely remembers me coming out of the Phoenix when they'd been waiting outside for me and telling her that I had kissed someone..she cant remember who I said though! I have a vague memory of that and I just hope I didn't lunge for L in some dark corner like an insane Bunny Boiler. I did show someone, maybe L, some brightly coloured tampons, that they make condoms in the same colour as but that could have been a dream. Oh, and the second thing what when I apologized to Lucy and L for doing anything embarrassing that night, L smiled and went "Yeh, there were a few things". I think I might had possibly, possibly have spoken to him about what happened with us ages ago and MAYBE mentioned something about a pregnancy scare???? Oh,CRINGE. That's the ONLY thing I might have had in my mind that would have come out when drunk. More embarrassing would have been me not mingling and constantly standing next to him and acting like I was bessotted with him. I definately am not. But another slightly embarrassing thing is that MM has stopped texting me even though he is back in London and around, so after 2/3 nights out with me etc... he no longer is interested in me. That hurts, that is embarrassing. Though I wouldn't be suprised if he thinks I don't like him, especially if he had to see me being embarrassingly flirty with little Mister L. I hope I wasn't too bad because that is the bitchiest thing a girl could do and I would never want to hurt anyone's feelings in that way I know what it feels like to be in that situation and it sucks.

To Some of this a rational person might say "You really shouldn't drink" BUT this is not what always happens when I go out and drink. Usually I'm better at ignoring guys I might have got together with or might be slightly interested in...Or so I think...well, at least I can say I have had more embarrassing nights out that that night..ones where I have been uncontrolably sick or blacked-out or ended up in situations I regret. Not many, but several in the recent and distant past!

What was funny was in class a couple of days later we all had a warm-up where we were all walking around the room having to pass each other "Like we were very embarrassed to see the other person", then "like you are flirting with the other person" and then " Give them an extremely sexual look and gesture". OHMYGOD...embarrassing to do that to him after Saturday night!!!Ah, how Drama school though, when (apparently) everyone's getting it on with everyone, in-bred style.

Other good news is that I got me UCAS in and speeches are being learnt in my Brain-box.. Class with this new teacher is GREAT, I've only been to one so far but they are a lovely change to Nathan's style. I've had some potential leads on getting none Eau de Parfum related work thanks to a a cyber-space fairy and the existence of vacancies at REFLEX, the Campest, cheesiest basement chain bar in Bank! Paws crossed. I still feel a bit unsettled in Rotherhithe and I'm not sure why. Obviously it's a very, cosy, settled house, a bargain and a few of my mates have been round to hang out..but something doesn't feel quite right about my life right now. Dunno what. I'm relatively happy and have stuff to focus on... I did get a text today from a friend saying that they're leaving London. I feel truly gutted but, as I've mentioned on previous occasions, because they are a friend who's a boy, with a girlfriend I feel that I can't express how much I like them in case it is misconstrued. But does it really matter? We haven't seen each other as much in recent months because of horrible stuff happening in his life but over the past 3 years time spent with him has been the most fun I have had in London. It's not just rose-tinted glasses, I said this before I even knew there was the possibility of him leaving. He is one of my favourite people in the world and the fact that he's going breaks my cold, dead heart a little/a lot.
x

7:06 p.m. - 2011-01-19

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next