warmlove's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Drink does work. Though it makes you terse *everyday in everyway it's getting better/Beautiful,beautiful,beautiful/Beautiful boy* Does it mean you're an alcoholic if you spend half of the last �30 quid you have to last you a week on booze. For you. To drink.Alone? I started drinking to numb myself from the tearful misery I was feeling. I started to feel a bit better after a can an a half of Heineken. I contemplated stopping drinking then but I realised that I felt a bit better BECAUSE of the booze. So I invested in a bottle of white wine (and way too much chocolate). I think that I haven't been happy for about 9 months. But that's probably not true. I must have always felt like this. I know that this soon will pass. I feel trapped and I really want to get away. I can't blame London, cos I could feel this way any where but I'd love to do something brave and insane and flee somewhere new, shake things up. But money seems to be a factor in EVERYTHING. I wish I could flee for free. I guess what it boils down to is I'm too scared and sensible to just drop everything and risk it. I need to get over that. I tried boiling it down to 2 or 3 things that I want in life. And how do I get those things. They both boil down to luck and lucky timing. And neither nor both those things will necessarily make me feel happy or fulfilled. They'll always be something else. I feel bad that I'm sat around drinking fattening booze and munching on calorific snacks. I haven't started exercising, there's a pathetic excuse for that somewhere. Ew, I feel like I'm gonna melt away into a big, fatty blob. (ah, but I just spoke to lovely Pav on the phone and he cheered me up a little and I didn't even have to act like 'la,la,la..everything's fine'...He's lovely bless him.) The past 2 days I've arrived home in the evening from being out and cried solidly for a good five minutes. Strange. Probably delayed January blues. Also, I've been so fucking lazy over the past 2 weeks. I should be learning lines, rehearsing speeches and getting my school application ready to send on payday. Have I shit? I've probably spent 6 days on YouTube watching celebrity interviews (don't ask. Don't judge) It's interesting that none of my home friends, (including the old ones that I don't see any more) are single like me. I hated it when Cordelia asked if I'd 'met anyone yet'! Shudder. I wonder what she thinks. But the thing is, for her and everyone else it is as simple as that: MEET SOMEONE. I have met a thousand 'someones'. For me it does not automatically equal an 8 year relationship. Secretly I like the idea of being unattached because you never know who you could meet tommorrow. That's quite cool. But only if you have a life style involving potentially meeting lots of new men...A non-Fordingbrige/Salisbury lifestyle then. In theory. Although it is completely exhausting and more often than not disheartening always being, on some level, on the lookout. You feel that if you let a potential someone 'get away' by not erm having ways of geting into conversation with perfect strangers who seem attractive to you then you could have missed out on 'meeting someone'only to remain alone for a further 6 months! Charlotte and Rob got engaged...which is expected and lovely..I guess after 8 years together and buying a house together and still being in love and wanting to get married that's what you do. I would rather be with someone forever and never get married. That's far cooler than having some sexist, old fashioned ceremony to legally tie you together as one. That said, I do like a good wedding dance-floor and open-bar. 8:23 p.m. - 2011-01-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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