warmlove's Diaryland Diary

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This is bleak

*kiss that girl*

Man I'm depressed! Lying in bed on a Sunday at 2pm, feeling lonely, scared, abandoned, unloved, insufficient, personality-less (and any other negative words The Self-Pity Thesaurus might dredge up). I'm a little peckish too. I dont know..I just feel that my life's so empty! There are friends who I rarely hear from now and some friends who when I see them I feel I barely know how to relate to (anymore). I just don't feel like a dynamic, confident, happy-secure person. Why? I should be chilled, having fun, being care free and loving just looking out for number one (me). If, as it seems few people give enough of a shit about me then why should I not be completely self-involved?

To counter this doom and gloom...this week I achieved an incredible, cosy-feeling of achievement! I got my first (and not last) (paid) ACTING job!!!Whoooooooooooooooooshhhhhhhhhhhthatwasgreaaaaaaaatttt!!
It was just a little corporate video for the guy who took those beautiful gothic-like Forcefeeding and blood and guts photos in November!I played 'Butterfly', a 25 year old 'single' girl who, and I quote: "Only cared abot two things...paying off my student loan and going travelling..last year was Thailand so this year it's India, definately". it was basically shot in a VOX Pop style like they were eaves-dropping in on a conversation. They had three other people of different ages who had other, different financial concerns and it'll just be on company website(s) I believe. I hope I did a good job, I was a bit nervous that I'd be shit..I didn't get any gushing praise, like the woman before me about how well I'd done but they seemed vaguely happy with what they shot with me!

So that was fantabulous and fun, minus my constant self-doubt..but that's a good thing, especially for someone as inexperienced as me, how ever I do need to be better at blagging that I'm infinately capable of any acting role! Haha

Oooh, and the night before Chloe from Acting class invited me to a screening/premiere thing of this Danny Dyer, Rik Mayall, Steven Berkoff film..all the cream of the mid-B high-C list were there. Loads of the actors and Producers there knew Chloe and were saying 'Hi' etc.. but bless her..she would (when she remembered their name) would introduce me to them and to some gushed about what an 'amazing actress' I was. Very sweet. Ended up in WAG-central..The Embassy..met this hilarious, bolshy tough-as-nails woman who was the self-proclaimed 'Only female boxing promoter in the UK'..she started every sentence with 'I'm not being funny girls..I'm not being funny..' My new role model!

Had a good weekend..Friday ended up swigging out of a wine bottle on the tube with Roisin, we were ranting loudly to a silent tube carriage about the dangers of this new Conservative goverment who are about to proceed to shaft the poor people and take nice, warm, cosy care of the Wealthy 'elite'..she found some tickets for this indie night at the Islington Academy..bopping around, we stopped a fight in the mosh pit and everything! Sat was round Camises' and we ended up in a club with dodg music in Streatham of all places!I always feel like a lil kid and like I have such an uneventful Nun-like existence in comparison to her and her great stories and her take-no-crap from anyone attitude. She's slightly nuts but so sure of who she is and what she wants. Maybe I'm just miserable and going through a 'Life is crap' phase..I do feel like I'm rarely happy and have such an EMPTY..life! Lord, I should just be grateful that my family are healthy..ish and I have good friends..even though I feel a bit out of the loop and stranded alone out here in Bow. Maybe I just expect too much. Come June I'm gonna still be stuck in my mouldy basement room, whilst the 2 housemates bugger off to better places and they find irritating new people to replace them...
I just need a Job, House and Career fairy to come down and wave a sparkly wand. I cant think what else to do but get off-my-face, cry or just try and focus all my energy on the ole career thing and forget about how empty and pointless I feel.
x

1:59 p.m. - 2010-05-09

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