warmlove's Diaryland
Diary
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Goodbye FT2..what the fuck is me doin' now picknie?
*Nobody likes you when you're 23/ and you still act like you're in Freshman year* I gotta write more in my Diary-book..Gotta get down all the precious memories on internet-paper! Hahah...
Maybe I've been having more pure, unadulterated fun times in my life that I've been too pre-occupied....
Not so much...I've had the kinda fun that you look back on the next day, and reminisce about through a semi-hungover haze..and it sounds fun and like one of those 'crazy, messy nights-out' but at the time, in the moment I wasn't having a carefree time: I was worrying about whether I was being fun enough, saying interesting or funny things, entertaining people...and its hitting me that I'm not fun, I'm never saying interesting things, I am NOT FUNNY and I NEVER have funny or exciting stories or jokes to tell my friends and new people....maybe I've changed or maybe I've always been like this....
I dont know..I don't always think or say stuff like that..maybe I've got tooooo much thinking time on my hands..how disgusting's that? I should get a job like real people, in the real world (none of this trainee, studenty lah-di-dah-ness..not that I'm complainin', about the past 9 months..I'm sooo lucky and I worked so hard to get onto it..though I don't want to be a Script Supervisor when I grow-up!! But I knew that anyway...) Anyway..had my graduation from FT2 on Thursday..which was lovely...a bunch of mates came down too..much free booze was had..i feel sad that it's finished..were out in the realworld without the reassurance that we are only trainees if we fuck up and will get paid each month without fail, whether they found us work or not!! that sweet situation, I should have appreciated while it lasted!! (though I bruised my body disgustingly when I tried to copy my housemate by sliding down Southwark tube escalators on the bannister thing, behind him, but I fell off, right at the top, face first and slid all the way down to the bottom!!! owwwch!! Though the video his mate took of it IS hillarious: He was like: 'I hope she's okay' and my housemate turns round to see and there's me, lying facedown like a rag-doll falling down the escalator behind him!)
My Dad has to move to west-Wales now, leaving my poor Mum in a big house, all alone (my sisters are all of to University in September too) during the week. My Mum's been really depressed and miserable the couple of times recently I've been home to visit..2 of my sisters are particularly evil to my Mum and Dad..they act like such wankers (Victoria threw a spoon at my Dad, screaming: 'Fuck you, you fucking dick!') and then she acts totally suprised and screaming-angry when Mum doesn't let them borrow her car!!!! They seem to let their friends dictate their lives and my sisters become so protective of these 'friends' who seem sometimes to use them for the free rides and use our house as a messy base the smoke and get drunk in, when they'd NEVER do it in their parents house!! Like my Mum and Dad deserve less respect or something..prob cos my sisters act like such twats to their Mum and Dad! I'm no kiss-arse or anything but when you have two of your daughters are shouting about how they hate you and you're a shit Mum and you're sitting in the next room,in your own house, already depressed, your big brother died a few months ago... Actually it's been cool recently also cos all my friends from all over (some might say random, but that word makes me cringe!!) have been meeting each other, and some that i wouldn't expect, liking each other..which is really sweet..I did fall out with Scottish heather cos she was being a shit friend (or maybe I expect alot from friends cos I'm always there in the shit times or other people, and I'm hurt when they don't do the same for me....but shes not always the most sensitive person anyway so, whatever... I neeeed job!!!! Grrr..Its like being back to June last year..I am going to this new drama group (well AM-DRAM group in a church in Highgate!! Heheh!! Should be a laugh and cheer me up a bit!! I really wanna get a cute 9-5 job so I can fart around doing drama groups and making my own shitty little films!! Anything to avoid becoming a bitter Script Supervisor!! (Dunno if I'm strong enough to do that job my own way and make it a job thats more than
a 'feeling-insignificant,sneaking around-observing all the 'more important' people and being all subtle and humble'!! That sounds so shit if I describe it like that..Its not THAT bad...but they do have a lot of negative stereotypes put-upon them that i hate: 'spinsters, weird, anal, crazy cat ladies, no sex lives or social lives'..Gulp, is that my destiny? And is that me because I chose the job?) Hey ho..I'll go out, go cheese-dancing, maybe get a little drunk, go for a loong bike ride, eat some Twirl bars and it'll ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL be alright.
1:52 p.m. - 2008-07-08
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