warmlove's Diaryland
Diary
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I dont want to be bitter, but I'm so sick of this
*I wish that without you my heart would break* The past month has been the most emotionally tumultuous for a very long time: Ive gone from the sheer joy of my wish for the past 2 and a half years coming true to the complete and utter devastation of heartbreak that came with me realising the reality of the situation.
I cried (I don't cry much in my life...only when things get tough, tough, tough) and went for a lonely Mile End park walk where I felt total frustration and a disgustingly morose feeling that, at the age of 23, I'm doomed to be alone and/or love-less or worse in a relationship where I'm faking every feeling because I end up with another person who wants me but who I don't want back...Things then, over the course of a week, totally turned around by meeting someone new: But of course that didn't come without questions and revelations and ultimately, further disappointment when I was starting to feel like there was hope. Pinning my hopes on nothing seems so pathetic but I genuinely know that I have the worst luck with love and relationships..I feel like 'the one that got away' applies to almost everyone I've been attracted to and I cant be that hideous, can I? It used to be every guy I liked happened to have a girlfriend..but its more complicated than that now. Since deciding to not give a fuck about possible rejection and LET A BOY KNOW how I feel if I fancy them cos how else would most guys know? and I feel like a part of me's become cold and I seem like I'd fuck anyone and it'd mean nothing!! Plus, I'm more vunerable, more 'out there' but I still feel that I'll never even get to falling in love (whatever the fuck that means, its a totally arbitrary idea)with someone... I can only explain it (without the emotional exhaustion of rehashing it in writing that comes with explaining the situation, by cutting and pasting a facebook email I sent to Heather from back home: God..here goes..
You remember a coupla of years bk when i came to Cardiff and was telling u and soph about the hot Irish actor with a girlfriend who decided to tell me he could: "So fall in love with you (me)..the only problem is, the girlfriend" (I was totally into him back then but nothing happened..girlfriend and all and I wasn't ever sure if he said that to be melodramatic/ in the drunken moment..but hes one of those people i never..i know this sounds Mills and Boon wanky but bear with me...i never forgot cos I felt like there was alot of chemistry and he was ssooooo hot!)
Anyhoo, a month ago when I was out with a friend of my housemate who I'd been out with a few times..we call him 'Hard-Fi' cos he looks a bit like the lead singer of Hard-fi minus the dodgy teeth...when I was out with him and starting to talk myself into liking him more than I did (he's okay but the spark just isn't there for me)...I bumped into hot Irish guy in the club! He gave me a massive hug and straight away asked me how Aslan was..my lion tatoo on my stomach..he remembered this from 2 and a half years ago!And as I told him in the most casual way possible, (shouted in his ear over the club sound system!): 'I used to have a massive crush on you!' He replied: 'Yeh, but you turned me down'.. Strange...I got his number..I was soo excited to have bumped into him..we were gonna meet up for a drink but it never happened and I think if hes not chasing me up, he's not fussed about me and It would only hurt my feelings if I like him but he doesn't like me...
Plus, Im not interested in Hard-Fi guy..so im not gonna meet up with him again cos its just leading him on, sadly...(that whole situation made me reeeeeeally depresssed last week and I had a big cry 'im gonna die alone' moment which made me realllly really low!!) Cue last week at Scottish Heathers Birthday party..I met her friend Marc who I got on really well with..hes so cute, such a nice, fun guy...he asked for my number and we were facebook messsaging and texting alot...me and Soph went out with him and his housemates last nite (I drank way too much and ended up losing soph..a whole other story) Soph thinks he really likes me..we do get on well and I really fancy him (makes me feel the opposite of the above 'crying and end up alone' paragraph!!..stayed round his house last night..nothing at all happened...But I just found out fm Heather that he split up with his long-term girlfriend the other week..so hes fresh out of that so maybe hes been hanging out with me alot cos hes lonely or maybe he wants a rebound fling (tho surely he wld have tried it on last nite rather than being the perfect gentleman!!!
Very fucked up and now im starting to feel more low again...my negative side reckons either he just wants to be friends or hell get bk with his g/friend or im a rebound thing!! sob sob..yes i know there is AIDS and evil things happening in the world don't get me wrong..but i hate feeling this way Heather!! xx My head is in a million places..recently over someone I met a week ago!And before over bumping into a virtual stranger who said all the right things, had a great, sentimental detail memory and is very beautiful!! Ridiculous (I do recognise that!! I try not to be cynical but its really hard not to get excited when I like someone who possibly likes me back...I'm a realist..though with Irish actor I did have that irrational 'love-at-first-sight-style attraction still in my head based on 3 weeks of knowing him almost 3 years ago!! Sounds crazy I know but I cant help how I feel! I put off writing a exceedingly over-th-moon Diary entry after I'd bumped (fate? Everything happens for a reason? The reason?...to fuck up my life!! Haha)into beautiful Irish-guy because I knew that it was too good to be true..there was a reason that he didn't try and see me despite having a way to contact me over the past 2 1/2 years if he ever had feeling for me!! But I got carried away with my own excitement and the excitement of my friend who wanted me to have a magical romantic fairytale involving fate and soulmates!! ahah..wish I found this funny...this particular friend did find all this mess amusing! My fucking life! Maybe I have covered-up my recent horrible feelings and tears from her, she doesnt realise how much this stuff is getting to me..its an acumulation over the past 6 months...she thinks its amusing 'single girl' 'Bridget Jones' montage material..Ugh Im glad Ive explained it..I was dreading writing it all down cos then I have to admit that its the truth of whats happened recently!! Wish it wasn't ...ah, well Shit well and truly does happen! And of course EVERYTHING to do with work has been going perfectly recently!!! Sod's fucking Law
7:38 p.m. - 2008-04-06
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