warmlove's Diaryland Diary

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People look at me and they know...they can tell something is wrong...like I dont belong. Go away James Morrison, you're so negative, grrl

# Like a diamond/ washed up on the shore#

- Be positive.

- It's only temporary.

- Plenty more fish in the sea.

- Everything happens for a reason.

- God has a plan for you, I know it.

Thanks, Fadeke, my darlin' for that last one...you Pentecost-al ladies always see a sunny beach when the rest of us are freezing our theist buttocks off in a cold, Clapham car park.

I was on the phone to my Mum and Dad at one point this week, the week of : 'Shit! I'm working in an awful, awful department store and living somewhere that I must have said over 356 times in the past six months how much I hate!! My Parents were both hiding out in the study from my sisters 18th Birthday party in the rest of the house(I remember their 17th last year, the same thing happened and I remember feeling particularly proud of my sister Vicky, who,as all the under-aged tweenies around her were vomitting and crying, stood their happily swigging from her bottle of Red Square and designating duvets with a great deal of authority). I had a little whinge to my Mum and she said something that I can add to the bulletpoint list of this weeks cliches above:

Life's too short.

She made me feel far more upbeat when she went on to say that if Im so miserable working in this job instead of doing freebie films, which is my career..my calling (ha, ha how snooty did that sound? my calling?! I'm gonna use that line in my first Vanity Fair interview!) then I should just leave and sod the money! My Uncle had even said to me the night before:

" So are you done with the film thing then?"

I thought: HOLY SHIT!! THAT IS WORST THING anyone could ask!!!! And I was like, 'No, God no! No way, I'm gonna keep going forever and ever, dawg' Well, without the 'dawg' but in retrospect, I would have said 'dawg'.

So, I typed up, lovely and official, printed in WHsmith's number 17 True Black ink onto Rymans A4 laser jet paper, my Notice letter! I even added this beautiful paragraph:

" I have enjoyed working with every single member of our team but I feel that now is a natural time for me to move on.."

Genuine? Who knows...I forgot to add my signature at the bottom so who knows? Anyway, this dainty little letter was tucked into my trouser waistband all yesterday afternoon at work and it turned out that I did something very unlike me....I listened to someone who knows what they are talikng about's advice. I didn't hand the letter in, I hid it away in this huge, fuchia gift box that i took from work (it matches my walls at home) and it remains crumpled at the bottom of my bag right now.

I will hand it in...as soon as possible, believe you me but I just wanna get at least one film project sorted definately so that I dont quit and then have three weeks of nothing to do and very little money (the worst combination). But I sent off my money for this fab Raindance Film Festival Directors Foundation night school thing for 5 weeks so that should re-inspire my poor, poor, jaded and full of the blandness of department store un-imagination brain.

Oooo, went to see Henry in 'The Hound of The Baskervilles' at The Brockley Jack. It was fantastic and I came out thinking how lucky those people are to have such a fantastic job...they get to play around and create and entertain and collaborate and express themselves and the be dramatic and then subtle...just a sucking in of the lower lip or a itching of the whisker. Jessie-Sue came down from Yorkshire to see it. Was lovley to see her cos we hadnt met up for about six months but she did piss me off after about 40 minutes by proclaiming in a very uninformed, judgemental and small minded way that I was certainaly very middle-class and that she was, without a doubt a hardcore working class gal. Grrr, I hate all that fucking class business, its so stupid ...some people (like tis way too entused Visual Manager at a training session last week at work who lumped 'lower, working' class customers together with our 'ethnically diverse' customers. I should have pretended to be outraged by that comment, but I couldnt be arsed and she redeemed herself to me by letting us make magazine collages in the second part of the training session (the most creative experience I've had in six months I embarrassed to say, thanks Debenhams, thanks for not being a Theatre Group and making me a retail drone...not that everyone who works i'shop is a drone). We all stayed in Jessie-Sues Holiday Inn room cos there were spare beds. We trekked from Leicester Square, with Soho greasy Chinese food in our bellies, to Kings Cross which felt like hours and hours walking and stayed up,til 5am watching the 'Top 100 celebrities of 2006: Go TomKat, go Chantelle, you crazies!!'

But I have cheered myself up in ways such as singing hits from Mary Poppins and The Sound of Music beside the dressing room clothes rails and inventing a musical that is the ghetto 'Mary Poppins' with one of the youngsters in the department (a sixteen-year-old is now officially a youngster to me I suppose):

#Crack dens and gang wars and pimping ones ri-de/Ho-bos and slappers and little crack who-res/those are a few of my favourite thi-ngs#

" Yo, I'm Mary Poppinz and I is practically pimpin' in everywayz"

Lets go fly a Pimp Supercalifragilistic (crack is so atrocious) I love to get high (hah hah hah ha!)

Just a spoonful of crack (helps the medicine go down)

" Yo, Mary Pop pop Poppinz, pop your raggaty ass body for me wontcha, girl ??"

You get the idea..not that clever or that funny but it passes the hours. I even started my own crazy, wild, arms-a-flailing body popping routine this afternoon at work cos I caught The Debenhams Fever..followed by a short chorus of 'You give me Fever'...by I want to say Nina Simone, but thats not right...Billie Holiday....No

I was at Nandos for Lunch today also, its me, Coast Meera (rich, Alex style posh), other Coast girl and La Senza Naz's regular Sunday bitch-athon accompanied by delicious chicken dishes. I'm such a whimp, I can only handle the lemon and herb chicken burger, no medium wings for me sista. Its funny when you go around a table of friends or accquaintances or people or whatever and ask 'Whos single?' Because 99% of those asked will say No. When I say that I am single a lot of people (99%) will say 'why?'. I find that a little crazy beacause for anyone to never be single almost implies that they are very happy with who they've got and the relationship is good or just about adequate. But not every relationship you begin works out like that...its a rare chemistry for the relationship to A Begin, with two single people (bare in mind that 99% of people are not single!)

B Both single people feel some form of attraction (be it my beloved L.A.F.T or hotties locking eyes from accross the shiny marble and mirrors of the Wetherspoons Bar or Desperation to hook up with any one who isn't blue, cold and stiff in all the (wrong) places)

C For the two singles attracted to one another to make it last over the weeks and months and (ye God) years.

All that that I have just spoken/ typened seems like an unlikely thing but people can always have two or more blokes/ women-folk on the go like thingy and thingy at work but they'll probably get caught out sooner or later.

I definately know when I'm attracted to some one and I met up with that guy who I met on the train on New Years eve. Anyway, of course I looked at the texts I got from him before we met up and felt that something in them was off putting in the first place! Sounds crazy if you were to just casually read them but a text like:
Yeh, that sounds good. What have you been up to today, any thing interesting?

I was already a bit (and I KNOW the texts I write are not Ground breaking literature, dont get me wrong) skeptical of him being really, really fun(ny). Anyway I tried really, really hard (with the fact in my mind that I rarely have long anythings with anyone I like, I either screw it up by playing it too cool or they live so far away that I'd never ever, with a full face of professionally applied make-up, a cocktail dress and an hilarious anecdote casually bump into them on a regular basis in the local Tesco as a wooing attempt..ooo, or they make-up that fabulous 99% discussed earlier). We did couply things for a couple of days including goin' to see 'Smokin' Aces' which is an awesome film...but I didn't and still dont (feel it). I am, and I do say so myself, a pretty gifted actress and I can fein enthusiasm, fake tears after I've stared at a distant object for thirty seconds and thought of puppies dying and pretend to care but I dont want to get into anything with a guy that I dont feel anything for...Theres nothing more lonely than that...I'd hate myself for it, I would, honestly...and I dont wanna hate her, shes got lovely new braided hair at the moment..that might mean I remain in the elusive 1% for a little more but I'm way happier that way. I dont know where that shitty little theory came from..I'm sure I dont think about things THAT deeply..eine kleine gay methinks. Oooo, and unrelatedly... I miss the fields and the birds and the rabbits and our gorgeous dogs and the COUNTRYSIDE baby...where there are NEVER rancid puddles of curdled Mc Donalds vanilla milkshake mixed with fag ends, kebab vomit beside a urine oil slick on the pavements. Well, there are hardly any pavements anyway. I need to go home for a visit...get a little 'Hampshire fix, a bit of the old Wiltshire cheer. X

7:10 p.m. - 2007-01-14

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